A Gardeners Forum Forums Members History Forum Life 2005 Special Prayers, Please!

Fernie ~

I've recognized for a time now that she is as "sick" as he is. They seem to bounce stuff off of each other in an unhealthy way. For instance, she is very VERY heavy. He gives her "permission" to overeat and she gives him "permission" to drink. So she's gained close to 200 lbs. in the past three years and his drinking has escalated out of control.

Do you have any suggestions of organizations or special women's groups that might be helpful for me to write down to give to her in a quiet moment? If she is going to get any help, a few good ideas might come in handy.

Princess azlea ~
Since you went through this stuff in your own childhood, you can understand my concerns about how events like this will impact both Maxi and little DJ.

Maxi gets much professional support in his life already because he deals with many stressful issues with my health, his dad and etc., and Maxi is quite good at articulating what he is thinking and feeling. And, because I left Edward when Maxi was only 10 months old, Maxi hasn't been exposed to this junk on a daily basis.

One of my big concerns is for the little one, DJ, who is only 3 1/2. He's been living with this all of his life and has no idea of what "normal" is. He is an adorable child, just wonderful in every way. Yet I worry for him so.

Any suggestions? For me or for any other troubled gal who might be visiting the forum?




Merme

Well looks like we do much of the same thing and drink and eat a lot of the same. I never had juvenile diabetes and never was bad enough for the injections. I am one of a very few on both sides of the family that are not diabetic but am just the opposite. Mine hit me after I quit drinking . Dr. said the sugar in all the beer I drank was not only keeping my blood sugar up but was also one of the causes. I was an alcoholic until Billie made me an offer I couldn't refuse.
So I have not had a drink since around 91 or 92 hardest thing I did was stop drinking but that kept my wife from leaving. Best thing I ever did was to stop drinking then a few years later stop smoking cold turkey that was easier than stopping drinking beleive it or not.
Jimmy

I believe you, JV, I believe you about that!

Merme

Merme-
I too am sorry I had left earlier- it is so hard to deal with a drunk and one who would take his kids prescription too-- well if you called the police I would understand it- to bad for the girlfriend not to do it- here if you get hauled in my the police while drunk they automatically put you in detox-
What she should do it make him clean up the destroyed apt- does he never have to take the consequences of his actions? Hopefully he will go to the hospital and get himself sober- I wouldn't let Maxi go overnight again either- he shouldn't have to deal with that situation ever again..... she shouldn't either or her child- does the women not have a brain at all? I don't understand women like that either--- how many times to you have to get hit before you learn to duck?

I know what you mean, Nana. There is so much that seems such a mystery to me when I hear of difficult situations like this and the major players seem paralyzed or trapped into inaction. I just don't understand the lack of vital response, which is why I am hoping someone will post something....maybe the name of a group or a book or something useful.

So much help seems to be available these days for all manner of problems, there must be something around for women like my Ex's girlfriend.

I get angry for what she allows her son to go through. I get wild when Maxi gets dragged into it!

It has broken my heart to watch my Ex deteriorate so badly over the last decade as his addictions have spiraled out of control. I worry what will happen to him if he doesn't stop. He could very well die and wouldn't that be too bad? He will be 40 this September.

Tragic on so many levels, isn't it?

Merme

Merme,

Yes it is- and as mad at Edward as I am - and I don't even "know" him really but boy he got my dander up today... I prayed for all of you - including you of course and Maxi- hoping Edward sees the light today and goes and gets help - nothing will change till he does-- and the girlfriend does really need something--- there must be and Al-anon group there- maybe your priest could find one close by for her-- I would even consider children services to be called in for the little ones safety--- maybe if given the choice of losing her child she would see how destructively she is living her life- and how much it affects his and Maxi too-
Though I have a SIL who is married to wife and child abusing- drunk/drug using, crossdressing, I can't call him a man cause he isn't one- he is a parsite.... they have been married for over 30 yrs- 3 of the kids are grown and gone- but they still have a 13 yr old at home- we tried many times over the yrs to get her away- to get him help- he doesn't want it- there were a few times we found him unconcious from mixing drink and drugs and I would have walked away and let happen what would happen- she called 911- she is one of those women who says I made vows at my wedding and I will stick by him....... well what about the vows he made? I never get and answe to that one..... so sad and the kids have reaped the sorrow - one is an drunk but has found sobriety- she is the one a yr younger than my youngest... the other 2 just get into bad relationships but don't seem to have addiction problems other than to toxic people-- that's bad enough--- the youngest girl still at home is a gifted student- does well in school - don't really see them since we live up here now - they are still in AZ- but do pray for them too ........

Hi Merme,

Having the "victim" mentality myself for many years I understand how she feels but I don't know what could get her out of it. You see, my first husband was killed in a drunk driving wreck, I don't know that I ever would have left him. The women that fit this category are usually over responsible perfectionists who think if they just work at it hard enough, they can make everything better somehow. I was trying to cure my husband of an abusive childhood. I felt he had had such a tough life and he really didn't know any better. And the abuse started slowly from words to slaps to beatings. He always told me (his control was so great that I believed him) that if I didn't make him so mad, he wouldn't have to hit me. So see, that was my fault too. I thought if I changed myself to what he wanted, he would be happy and then everything would be wonderful. And he threatened me if I got half an idea to leave, he promised to hunt me down and kill me or take the kids and I would never see them again. I was so frightened and spinning in circles with possible scenarios that I was paralyzed into staying. Plus he kept all the money and I never had any. People would have helped, but I didn't want to be a burden and I didn't want to bring the wrath of the husband down on their heads because of me.

AFter his death, I was so angry and depressed that I ended up at mental health. Then because I was also an addictive person, I thought drinking was a cure so I quit therapy. I ended up back in therapy and in treatment 4 years ago and that is when I finally started figuring out the why's and how's of all that relationship.

Merme, just keep calling the police.
Eventually she may get it, and he might too. Until the light "clicks on" nothing will help. She will keep trying to fix him and he will keep trying to punish her for his fears. At least everytime he is arrested, she and that poor child may get a few days respite.

Thanks for the post, Fernie!

For the tag you have on your signature line, you surely DO know what you are talking about!

When you went into counseling, did you seek a person who specializes in women's issues or addictions? Or did you go more for a general therapist?

Merme

I went to a woman psychologist but she didn't specialize in women only, she was more general. I was dealing with the suicide of my son, the deaths of 2 other children, the death and life of my first husband, and some abuse that happened in my childhood by a family friend. My therapist mentioned PTSD and I was dumbfounded. I thought that was something only soldiers, police or paramedics got. So I received treatment (deprograming) for that too. I had a year of weekly sessions and then monthly and then she went to Europe to work!!!! I miss her, she was a huge huge help to me. I also attended a grief group for about 6 weeks and I am one of the founding members of a group called SPAN (Suicide Prevention Action Network) in north central Idaho. We are one of the last States to form a group, it is nationwide and on the net.

I don't know the woman I was back then anymore. But it took me years to get here where I am now. I got lucky and this nice normal man took one look at me and fell in love and we married 16 years ago. He has saved my life. I don't know why or how we got together, I really believe it was all God's doing.

Why of course, Fernie, it was all God's doing! YOU deserved a wonderful relationship after all you'd been through. And I'm sure your husband has recognized his great good fortune in finding you, too!

God, Merme, after reading this thread, I'm just glad that Maxi is safe and back with you. What a nightmare. Nothing useful to add except that everything Fernie has said makes a lot of sense, and whoever said to keep calling the police because you may need documentation one day was dead on the money.

Merme
I just got done reading the whole thread and my heart goes out to you and Maxi. I am so glad that he is safely back with you. I would like to say that I think you are going to have to ban overnight visits now, Edward is so out of control, you don't really don't have any other options.

I think Fernie makes a lot of sense. Call the Police and keep calling them. Can the police file charges in your state, if the women involved won't?

Hi Michele and GeeGee ~

You know, I don't really know Maine laws. All my activist work when I was younger was done in OH and I've never had any involvement with such matters since moving here. I should find out about the state's willingness to advance charges even if the victim is reluctant.

What surprised me to realize about all of this is that I have often let Maxi go with them because she is not a drinker or a drug user, so I thought of her like one would think of as -- what's that called? The person who stays sober to drive everyone home? -- (sorry, my head just went blank!). I figured she was responsible....

But this incident proves to me that she really ISN'T a responsible player as she kept herself and both of the children in harms way and WOULD NOT make a move to get them out of there.

Perhaps I'm overly cautious or maybe an alarmist, I don't know, but I DO know that if I had been there and he flipped the dining table, I would have grabbed both kids and booked out the door instantly. I wouldn't have stuck around for whatever he was going to do next. To my way of thinking, if he wanted to go berzerker, he could go berzerker without the rest of us present!

But I had to be really forceful with this woman to get her up and moving. The lame excuses and objections she was making against being the smallest bit protective of herself and the kids were unbelievable!

So no, Maxi will not be going back there; he just will not be. Fortunately, although Edward and I have equally shared custody of our son, I am the residential parent. We have no set schedule for visitation, no format we MUST follow by court order. In the past we've always just played it by ear, doing what worked out best by our calendars. So if I say the kid can't go, Edward would have to find a legal precedent for taking me to court and overturning our divorce decree. Which I already know isn't possible because our decree is rock solid. And even if a judge did agree to evaluate the decree, what kind of case could Edward put forth? "Ah, gee, Your Honor, I like to go on occasional rampages when I've mixed alcohol and drugs and I like the children to see me do that...."

Thank you all so much for your input.

Why is it that associating with crazy people can make a sane person feel nuts?

Merme

DESIGNATED DRIVER!

That was the expression I couldn't remember! Sorry guys, but my morning attendant just told me.

I always thought of Edward's girlfriend as the Designated Driver, but she isn't. She's more like a drunk person who hasn't had a drink....

Merme

Merme,
Sounds like to me she is also the enabler for him, cleans up after his little messes and tries to make sure he doesn't have to face any consequences.... maybe losing his visiting with Maxi will get to him.... sure hope he goes to a rehab and she grows up too and protects her son from his bad behavior... no way for a kid to grow up.

AMEN to that, Nana, amen to that!

Merme

Merme,

Just coming back to the group after the weekend off and my heart is broken to read what you went though this weekend. I am so sorry that you and Maxi had to struggle through everything and am so relieved that he is back home with you. I am also happy to read that you will be keeping him with you and not letting him see Edward while he is in the state he is in. No good could come of that.

My prayers are with you that this week is a smooth one and that Maxi is ok.

Triss

Merme, I just finished reading the thread and I was appalled at everything you and Maxi have been going through this week-end. I am glad that Maxi is safely home now and that you will keep him there.

I hope the situation between Edward and his girlfriend improves, but see little hope in that as she is enabling him. Until Edward decides to quit for himself, no one can force him to do so. He will have to hit rock-bottom with no way of climbing out before he will decide to quit jeapardizing his relationship with his son.

Dianna

Merme
"overly cautious or maybe an alarmist"
No. Just very smart.

I guess all I can say is stand your ground and don't let Edward see Maxi unless its a supervised and SOBER visit.

"Why is it that associating with crazy people can make a sane person feel nuts?"

Good question. I've wondered about that myself. Somehow they seem to suck us sane people into their crazy world and it takes a effort to break away and step back.

Ohhhhh, Michele, so THAT'S what it is! I always wondered why nuttiness feels so contagious! Thanks for solving that mystery!

Merme