Don't know if any of you are still up this late, but we are in need of some fast prayers here!

My Ex is rather drunk and on a nasty, bust-up-the-house rampage against his girlfriend. I heard him at it over the phone when she called me in hysterics. She doesn't want me to phone the police because of his past record.

So she is calling her mom who lives about 10 minutes away to come get her, Maxi, and her little 3 year old, DJ. Her mom will come, I know. It's just a matter of getting them all out of the house quickly enough.

So pray fast and hard, and I'll let you know what's up.

Merme

Oh MERME...how frightening...have them bring Maxi home IMMEDIATELY!!!
Please let us know he is safe....

Prayers coming out fast and furious Merme....Hope her mom gets there fast to get the little ones out of harms way--the girlfriend too.....

Oh forgive me...I did mean I want them ALL out of there...Maxi was just all I could think of at the moment!!! Yes...franic prayers!

I'm praying he passes out. He is just beligerant enough to insist Maxi stay with him since Maxi isn't Christine's son. If I don't hear from them in the next few minutes, I'm going to call the police regardless of what she says about it later.
If Edward doesn't want to do time in jail, then he needs to behave rather than to bully everyone else around him into covering for him, you know?

Merme

Oh, Merme. What a situation to be in. Prayers sent.

I'm so sorry Merme,and yes I will pray for Maxi's safety.

Call the police!!!

You are exactly right Merme...their safety is your first concern...

FINALLY, I talked her into calling her mom back and getting out of there while he is passed out!

She'd called her mom once and her mom wanted to come right away, of course, but then Christine talked herself out of the need to leave.

So I threw a fit over the phone about it and insisted she call her mom back and bring my son home tonight!

So that's what they are going to do.

Then she was going on and on and on about all the reasons she couldn't leave (doesn't know where the keys are, etc., etc.,) and what might happen tomorrow when he wakes up and finds them all gone.

I told her the best advice anyone ever gave me when I was young and in an abusive marriage. A guy on a hotline said this:

DON'T THINK ABOUT WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN IF YOU GO, THINK ABOUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOU STAY!

That remark got me out of the door fast and out of the marriage, I tell you!

So now she's thinking about insisting he go into a dry out program tomorrow at one of the local hospitals. I just explained very quietly that Maxi will NOT be coming on any more overnight visits UNLESS Edward does something to stop this madness.

My town is half an hour away by car and of course I don't drive. My friends who would go in the middle of the night to get Maxi live 40 minutes from me, plus the 30 minutes to Edwards plus all the driving back again.

It isn't fair to her or the boys, to me, to any of my friends to have to go on a trip like that late at night and face whoknowswhat from an out-of-control idiot.

Also, she told me he got into Maxi's prescription, which mixed with the alcohol has sent him into a particularly nasty chemically induced rage.

No more. It isn't going to happen again. He is either going to get help and go sober or he isn't going to see Maxi again.

Thanks for your prayers. I will post again when the kid arrives. It is just before midnight here, so I'm guessing he'll be home by around 12:30 or 12:45. If he isn't, I'm calling the National Guard!

Merme

Call the National Guard if you have to Merme, just make sure little maxi gets home to you safe and sound.....

It's hard to change a drinking man....very, very hard...he's gonna have to want to change for himself....if he's a true alcoholic then it's a disease that is so tough to beat. I hope for his and Maxis sake he gets the help he needs so Maxi can continue a relationship with his dad.....But if he doesn't change I don't blame you one bit for not letting him stay over there anymore. Drinking can really turn some people really nasty and mean....

Merme all my prayers are with you for Maxi's safe return home and your Ex to get the help he must have. All my Love and prayers.
Jimmy

Let us know when Maxi gets home safe and sound. He should not have to go through that! Its not fair!

MAXI'S HOME! MAXI'S HOME!

He just got in the door a few minutes ago. He is very upset, of course, but he is okay otherwise.

So now he's in my bed where he'll be asleep in about half a second. My desk is immediately outside of my bedroom door so we can see one another.

Anyway, she stood in my kitchen a total wreck, the little one in the car wearing his undies and a t-shirt all upset crying for daddy, her mom bleary eyed, hauled out of bed to make this midnight run after calming down her husband not to go over and beat the tar out of Edward, and SHE'S WORRIED ABOUT POOR EDWARD'S FEELINGS IN THE MORNING!

I'm so glad I was able to close and lock my front door, see my son safely into bed and I'm free to not deal with any of it any more.

She has yet to go home and clean up the destroyed apartment, clean up the disgusting mess he made and deal with him too. I begged her to go to her mom's for the night and to NOT return to the apartment. Just be safe for one night, one night.

Why is it so hard to reach some abused women?



THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR EMERGENCY PRAYERS!

Merme

...sorry I wasn't here, Merme.

Okay, I can sleep now...I was WORRIED about Maxi! I am so thankful he is HOME, SAFE & with his mamma!!!!

Thank God he is home safe . Now you and him both can get some rest. Maxi is safe so I will go to bed see you tomorrow.
Jimmy

Oh, I am soooo soooo glad Maxi is HOME with you now. He doesn't need to be around that kind of mess, and I'd be freaking out if my kid had to see or be around that. I was so worried when I saw your post.. I was almost afraid to read on. I'm glad he's home now, and I hope that when Edward is done sleeping it off, he realizes he screwed up, and seeks out help he needs. It's about the only way it'll work.

Ok, my eyes are blurry.. it's waaaaay waaaay past my bedtime, and I'd fallen asleep on the couch for a bit, and woke up a few minutes ago, and decided to try reading a bit here. Big mistake... it draws ya in!

G'night! Sweet dreams Merme, all..
Meg

The poor child is having a rough time of it tonight. This mess has apparently triggered his sleep disturbances again. He's been out of bed a bunch of times already and when he drifts off, he's troubled in his dreams.

I RESENT his father for putting him through such things.

Merme

Well, Maxi is finally into a deeper sleep.

We had to have some Mommy and son talk time. I reminded him that he could tell God all about his fears, wishes and hopes for everyone in this situation, then close his eyes and go to sleep knowing that God would be watching over everyone all night long. That in the morning there would be plenty of time to think and talk.

He said "Maybe sleep WOULD help me feel better!" agreeable as always to believe me again.

It can be frightening to consider how much a child trusts what a parent says!

But it is good to hear his regular, untroubled breathing, knowing he is having a quiet sleep.

Merme

How about you Merme....you down from the adrenelin rush yet? Mother Bear mode is hard to recover from.

You asked earlier why you couldn't get through to some abused women. I can tell you, because I was one for 11 years.....I thought I could change him, I thought he needed me, I thought he would kill someone if I left, I thought I deserved it. Without getting help, even if she gets away from Edward, she will likely choose the same type of man again. It is sad, but she is as sick as he is.

Don't ever let her talk you out of calling the police again. He needs arrested and you need documentation so you can go to a lawyer and say, I want his visitation terminated. Abusive men are not easily cured or helped.

Still sending out prayers for you and Maxi, the girlfriend and even Edward.

Thanks, Fernie, everyone~

I'm still up because the crisis caused my blood sugar to drop too low and so I'm loading carbs and doing blood tests until I get stable. Don't wanna end up in the hospital by morning from all this nonsense.

There seems to be no end to the consequences Edward's destructive behavior causes and he never cares because he is never the one to pick up all the pieces and rebuild again....

Merme

Merme
Sorry I didn't see this post, I understand what you went through. As a child myself, I went
through all this. I am so glad Maxi is back home safe with you. I would certainly put my foot down with your ex husband. The thing is he will be full of apologises, and probably can't remember what happened. Well don't put up with it, it is affecting poor Maxi and you need to tell him.

Merme ~ I am just reading this now, and am so very sorry you and Maxi had to go through this ordeal! Thank goodness Maxi is home safe and sound, and in the loving arms of his very caring mom - you two are very special people and deserve all the love and support that can be had.

Stay safe and sound... Lynne

Merme I too am extremly hypoglycemic. It does not take much to trigger a drop in sugar. I keep some chewable Glucose tabs. handi at all times they are fat ,sodium and caffeine free. When I feel an attack coming on I can eat one or two of these brings your level up pretty good. I also keep tubes of liquid Glucoes at all times. These come three tubes to a package I Have been paying $11.00 for three packs. The tabs are fairly cheap. You might look into these if you haven't already they will helop untill you can get sugar in take. I also eat a lot of natural honey and Sorgum Molasses. Just a thought what might help you. Give Maxi a hug for me.
Jimmy

Thanks everyone~

Maxi had a good night sleep finally.

We are not going to church this morning as we both had to sleep in. So we'll be spending some time doing the things we love to do and talking together as ever he feels the need to talk about last night and related issues.

JV, so you know all about low blood sugars too! I carry an emergency glucogon injection kit with me all the time because my hypoglycemic reactions are from the juvenile diabetes and they get pretty severe fast. I also have some of those tabs in my purse for when I'm out and about but at home it is better for me to eat something that will sustain the bloodsuger for a while rather than something that will wear off quickly. For me, that's milk as a first line of defense to boost me up quick followed by crackers or a half sandwich. I also keep cans of Ensure in the fridge for when I just can't put a bite of solid food in my mouth but still MUST take on the carbs.

By the way, we really enjoyed your Sugar Glider thread!

Merme

Fernie ~

I've recognized for a time now that she is as "sick" as he is. They seem to bounce stuff off of each other in an unhealthy way. For instance, she is very VERY heavy. He gives her "permission" to overeat and she gives him "permission" to drink. So she's gained close to 200 lbs. in the past three years and his drinking has escalated out of control.

Do you have any suggestions of organizations or special women's groups that might be helpful for me to write down to give to her in a quiet moment? If she is going to get any help, a few good ideas might come in handy.

Princess azlea ~
Since you went through this stuff in your own childhood, you can understand my concerns about how events like this will impact both Maxi and little DJ.

Maxi gets much professional support in his life already because he deals with many stressful issues with my health, his dad and etc., and Maxi is quite good at articulating what he is thinking and feeling. And, because I left Edward when Maxi was only 10 months old, Maxi hasn't been exposed to this junk on a daily basis.

One of my big concerns is for the little one, DJ, who is only 3 1/2. He's been living with this all of his life and has no idea of what "normal" is. He is an adorable child, just wonderful in every way. Yet I worry for him so.

Any suggestions? For me or for any other troubled gal who might be visiting the forum?




Merme

Well looks like we do much of the same thing and drink and eat a lot of the same. I never had juvenile diabetes and never was bad enough for the injections. I am one of a very few on both sides of the family that are not diabetic but am just the opposite. Mine hit me after I quit drinking . Dr. said the sugar in all the beer I drank was not only keeping my blood sugar up but was also one of the causes. I was an alcoholic until Billie made me an offer I couldn't refuse.
So I have not had a drink since around 91 or 92 hardest thing I did was stop drinking but that kept my wife from leaving. Best thing I ever did was to stop drinking then a few years later stop smoking cold turkey that was easier than stopping drinking beleive it or not.
Jimmy

I believe you, JV, I believe you about that!

Merme

Merme-
I too am sorry I had left earlier- it is so hard to deal with a drunk and one who would take his kids prescription too-- well if you called the police I would understand it- to bad for the girlfriend not to do it- here if you get hauled in my the police while drunk they automatically put you in detox-
What she should do it make him clean up the destroyed apt- does he never have to take the consequences of his actions? Hopefully he will go to the hospital and get himself sober- I wouldn't let Maxi go overnight again either- he shouldn't have to deal with that situation ever again..... she shouldn't either or her child- does the women not have a brain at all? I don't understand women like that either--- how many times to you have to get hit before you learn to duck?

I know what you mean, Nana. There is so much that seems such a mystery to me when I hear of difficult situations like this and the major players seem paralyzed or trapped into inaction. I just don't understand the lack of vital response, which is why I am hoping someone will post something....maybe the name of a group or a book or something useful.

So much help seems to be available these days for all manner of problems, there must be something around for women like my Ex's girlfriend.

I get angry for what she allows her son to go through. I get wild when Maxi gets dragged into it!

It has broken my heart to watch my Ex deteriorate so badly over the last decade as his addictions have spiraled out of control. I worry what will happen to him if he doesn't stop. He could very well die and wouldn't that be too bad? He will be 40 this September.

Tragic on so many levels, isn't it?

Merme

Merme,

Yes it is- and as mad at Edward as I am - and I don't even "know" him really but boy he got my dander up today... I prayed for all of you - including you of course and Maxi- hoping Edward sees the light today and goes and gets help - nothing will change till he does-- and the girlfriend does really need something--- there must be and Al-anon group there- maybe your priest could find one close by for her-- I would even consider children services to be called in for the little ones safety--- maybe if given the choice of losing her child she would see how destructively she is living her life- and how much it affects his and Maxi too-
Though I have a SIL who is married to wife and child abusing- drunk/drug using, crossdressing, I can't call him a man cause he isn't one- he is a parsite.... they have been married for over 30 yrs- 3 of the kids are grown and gone- but they still have a 13 yr old at home- we tried many times over the yrs to get her away- to get him help- he doesn't want it- there were a few times we found him unconcious from mixing drink and drugs and I would have walked away and let happen what would happen- she called 911- she is one of those women who says I made vows at my wedding and I will stick by him....... well what about the vows he made? I never get and answe to that one..... so sad and the kids have reaped the sorrow - one is an drunk but has found sobriety- she is the one a yr younger than my youngest... the other 2 just get into bad relationships but don't seem to have addiction problems other than to toxic people-- that's bad enough--- the youngest girl still at home is a gifted student- does well in school - don't really see them since we live up here now - they are still in AZ- but do pray for them too ........

Hi Merme,

Having the "victim" mentality myself for many years I understand how she feels but I don't know what could get her out of it. You see, my first husband was killed in a drunk driving wreck, I don't know that I ever would have left him. The women that fit this category are usually over responsible perfectionists who think if they just work at it hard enough, they can make everything better somehow. I was trying to cure my husband of an abusive childhood. I felt he had had such a tough life and he really didn't know any better. And the abuse started slowly from words to slaps to beatings. He always told me (his control was so great that I believed him) that if I didn't make him so mad, he wouldn't have to hit me. So see, that was my fault too. I thought if I changed myself to what he wanted, he would be happy and then everything would be wonderful. And he threatened me if I got half an idea to leave, he promised to hunt me down and kill me or take the kids and I would never see them again. I was so frightened and spinning in circles with possible scenarios that I was paralyzed into staying. Plus he kept all the money and I never had any. People would have helped, but I didn't want to be a burden and I didn't want to bring the wrath of the husband down on their heads because of me.

AFter his death, I was so angry and depressed that I ended up at mental health. Then because I was also an addictive person, I thought drinking was a cure so I quit therapy. I ended up back in therapy and in treatment 4 years ago and that is when I finally started figuring out the why's and how's of all that relationship.

Merme, just keep calling the police.
Eventually she may get it, and he might too. Until the light "clicks on" nothing will help. She will keep trying to fix him and he will keep trying to punish her for his fears. At least everytime he is arrested, she and that poor child may get a few days respite.

Thanks for the post, Fernie!

For the tag you have on your signature line, you surely DO know what you are talking about!

When you went into counseling, did you seek a person who specializes in women's issues or addictions? Or did you go more for a general therapist?

Merme

I went to a woman psychologist but she didn't specialize in women only, she was more general. I was dealing with the suicide of my son, the deaths of 2 other children, the death and life of my first husband, and some abuse that happened in my childhood by a family friend. My therapist mentioned PTSD and I was dumbfounded. I thought that was something only soldiers, police or paramedics got. So I received treatment (deprograming) for that too. I had a year of weekly sessions and then monthly and then she went to Europe to work!!!! I miss her, she was a huge huge help to me. I also attended a grief group for about 6 weeks and I am one of the founding members of a group called SPAN (Suicide Prevention Action Network) in north central Idaho. We are one of the last States to form a group, it is nationwide and on the net.

I don't know the woman I was back then anymore. But it took me years to get here where I am now. I got lucky and this nice normal man took one look at me and fell in love and we married 16 years ago. He has saved my life. I don't know why or how we got together, I really believe it was all God's doing.

Why of course, Fernie, it was all God's doing! YOU deserved a wonderful relationship after all you'd been through. And I'm sure your husband has recognized his great good fortune in finding you, too!

God, Merme, after reading this thread, I'm just glad that Maxi is safe and back with you. What a nightmare. Nothing useful to add except that everything Fernie has said makes a lot of sense, and whoever said to keep calling the police because you may need documentation one day was dead on the money.

Merme
I just got done reading the whole thread and my heart goes out to you and Maxi. I am so glad that he is safely back with you. I would like to say that I think you are going to have to ban overnight visits now, Edward is so out of control, you don't really don't have any other options.

I think Fernie makes a lot of sense. Call the Police and keep calling them. Can the police file charges in your state, if the women involved won't?

Hi Michele and GeeGee ~

You know, I don't really know Maine laws. All my activist work when I was younger was done in OH and I've never had any involvement with such matters since moving here. I should find out about the state's willingness to advance charges even if the victim is reluctant.

What surprised me to realize about all of this is that I have often let Maxi go with them because she is not a drinker or a drug user, so I thought of her like one would think of as -- what's that called? The person who stays sober to drive everyone home? -- (sorry, my head just went blank!). I figured she was responsible....

But this incident proves to me that she really ISN'T a responsible player as she kept herself and both of the children in harms way and WOULD NOT make a move to get them out of there.

Perhaps I'm overly cautious or maybe an alarmist, I don't know, but I DO know that if I had been there and he flipped the dining table, I would have grabbed both kids and booked out the door instantly. I wouldn't have stuck around for whatever he was going to do next. To my way of thinking, if he wanted to go berzerker, he could go berzerker without the rest of us present!

But I had to be really forceful with this woman to get her up and moving. The lame excuses and objections she was making against being the smallest bit protective of herself and the kids were unbelievable!

So no, Maxi will not be going back there; he just will not be. Fortunately, although Edward and I have equally shared custody of our son, I am the residential parent. We have no set schedule for visitation, no format we MUST follow by court order. In the past we've always just played it by ear, doing what worked out best by our calendars. So if I say the kid can't go, Edward would have to find a legal precedent for taking me to court and overturning our divorce decree. Which I already know isn't possible because our decree is rock solid. And even if a judge did agree to evaluate the decree, what kind of case could Edward put forth? "Ah, gee, Your Honor, I like to go on occasional rampages when I've mixed alcohol and drugs and I like the children to see me do that...."

Thank you all so much for your input.

Why is it that associating with crazy people can make a sane person feel nuts?

Merme

DESIGNATED DRIVER!

That was the expression I couldn't remember! Sorry guys, but my morning attendant just told me.

I always thought of Edward's girlfriend as the Designated Driver, but she isn't. She's more like a drunk person who hasn't had a drink....

Merme

Merme,
Sounds like to me she is also the enabler for him, cleans up after his little messes and tries to make sure he doesn't have to face any consequences.... maybe losing his visiting with Maxi will get to him.... sure hope he goes to a rehab and she grows up too and protects her son from his bad behavior... no way for a kid to grow up.

AMEN to that, Nana, amen to that!

Merme

Merme,

Just coming back to the group after the weekend off and my heart is broken to read what you went though this weekend. I am so sorry that you and Maxi had to struggle through everything and am so relieved that he is back home with you. I am also happy to read that you will be keeping him with you and not letting him see Edward while he is in the state he is in. No good could come of that.

My prayers are with you that this week is a smooth one and that Maxi is ok.

Triss

Merme, I just finished reading the thread and I was appalled at everything you and Maxi have been going through this week-end. I am glad that Maxi is safely home now and that you will keep him there.

I hope the situation between Edward and his girlfriend improves, but see little hope in that as she is enabling him. Until Edward decides to quit for himself, no one can force him to do so. He will have to hit rock-bottom with no way of climbing out before he will decide to quit jeapardizing his relationship with his son.

Dianna

Merme
"overly cautious or maybe an alarmist"
No. Just very smart.

I guess all I can say is stand your ground and don't let Edward see Maxi unless its a supervised and SOBER visit.

"Why is it that associating with crazy people can make a sane person feel nuts?"

Good question. I've wondered about that myself. Somehow they seem to suck us sane people into their crazy world and it takes a effort to break away and step back.

Ohhhhh, Michele, so THAT'S what it is! I always wondered why nuttiness feels so contagious! Thanks for solving that mystery!

Merme