A Gardeners Forum Forums Members History Forum Life 2005 MORE JOKES

. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

I wanna get this one for my ex.

the stupid *****. I lived with him for 20 years the laST 10 of which he lived on one end of the house and me on the other, not speaking to each other and trying our best not to even see each other. And now the stupid ***** if we are in a crowd of 100 people will hunt me up and try to start up a conversation Like of all the people on earth I'd have anything left to say to him.
It's men like him that give men a bad name. He's re married why in the heck would he hunt me down in a crowd of people and try and talk to me. I can't hardle attend anything my daughter (the older one) has because he does this to me.

I usually take my mom with me to these outings and I sit there and ignore him and she has to talk to him. He never even liked my mom

okay, I got a joke for the guys by email

Top 10 Reasons why some Men prefer Guns over Women
**************************************************

10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

9. You can keep one handgun at home and have another
for when you're on the road.

8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so,
he will probably let you try it out a few times.

7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another
handgun for a backup.

6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out
of ammo.

5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.

3. A handgun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make
me look fat?"

2. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after
you use it.

And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman

1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.

Not exactly a joke, but interesting anyway:

Typoglycemia


Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not you can read it .

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia -

Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :Yesterday's Meals on Wheels


On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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At a Proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in."
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On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
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On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..."
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Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
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On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:> "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
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At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and
take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
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On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
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At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car
payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your
payment. > However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and
get fed up"
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station, "Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town
to take a leak."

Funny blonde jokes, and one (supposedly) true story:

Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory?
Because she kept throwing out all the W's!

Q. How do you tell if a blonde has been on your computer?
A. White out on the screen.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you."
She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?"
The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."

Two blondes were driving to Atlanta. They come upon a sign that says "Atlanta - Left".
So, they turn around and go home

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to
get it started."
He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
tiger.
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She
lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says, "First of all, no matter wha! t we do, we're not going to
be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes
her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup
of tea, and then....." he sighed...
"Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?
The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.

Why did the blond only smell good on the right side?
He didn't know where to buy Left Guard!

Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Did you hear about the blonde who won the gold medal at the
Olympics?
She had it bronzed.

Did you hear about the blond who was arrested for shoplifting
shoes from K-Mart? They caught him just as he was hopping out
the front door.
(U.S. K-Mart marketing note: pairs of shoes are typically sold
connected together by a short string.)

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in kindergarten; which
one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she is the only one that's 18.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to
the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for
her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the
paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife,
inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she
realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had
paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his
pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch,
it's a Ferrari."

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says,
"Awww, look at the poor dead bird." The blonde stops, looks
up, and says, "Where?"

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and
finally, after getting all the necessary items together, she made for the
nearest frozen lake. After positioning her footstool, she started to
make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice and began to cut yet
another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE
NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of
the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice
came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Rink Manager!"

How do you keep a blond busy?
Write 'please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
To turn the blinker off.

How do blonde brain cells die?
Alone.

What do you do when a blond throws a pin at you?
Run like hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.

Why do blondes take the pill?
So they know what day of the week it is.

Why can't blondes use birth control pills?
They keep falling out.

A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.
One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some
four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned
a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright.
How long do you need them?" The blond paused for a minute and
said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, he returned to the office
and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years,
they live there, and one day they find a magic lamp. They rub it, and
sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says "since I can only give
out three wishes, you may each have one" So the brunette goes first, "I
have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and
my life - I just want to go home." POOF, she is gone. The redhead
makes her wish, "This place sucks, I want to go home too." POOF, she
is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks,
"What is the matter?" The blonde said, "I wish my friends were here."

A blonde appeared at the Pearly Gates seeking admission. The
gate keeper said there was a test that had to be passed before
continuing to paradise, and that the test consisted of three questions.

The blonde said, "Go ahead, ask the questions."

"O.K.," said the angel. "For the first question, tell me which
two days of the week begin with the letter T."

"That's easy," said the candidate for admission. "Today and
Tomorrow."

"Hmmm," said the angel. "Well, I can't argue with that. Now for the
second question: tell me how many seconds there are in a year."

"There are twelve," said the candidate.

"Twelve?!" exclaimed the angel. "How do you figure that?"

"Well, there's January second, February second, March second, etc."

"O.K.," mused the angel. "For the third question, tell me God's first
name."

"God's first name is Andy."

"Oh? What makes you say that?" asked the angel.

And the candidate replied, "It's right there in the song." (the
candidate begins singing an excerpt from the hymn, "In The Garden")
"And He walks with me, And He talks with me, And He tells me I am His own..."

-true story:
I was at the gas station waiting for the guy to come pump the gas (they used to do that) and heard him arguing with a blonde lady in front of me she wanted him to check her blinker fluid. She was very insistant so the guy went and opened her hood and messed around then charged her $14.95. ---

Subject: Don't step on the ducks!!!!!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St.Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together ands says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St.Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

okay by email

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice with picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for awhile, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard
voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women
aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond." Holding the bucket up he said,
I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.

BRA SHOPPING

Ok, so a man walks into the lingerie dept at a fine department store and tells the sales lady that his wife sent him to buy a Baptist Bra, size 36C.

The clerk thinks a minute, nods, and says she knows just what his wife wants. Soon she returns with a bra and sells it to him.

Puzzled, the man asks her to explain what a Baptist Bra is. She chuckles and replies.....

Lots of women like Catholic Bras because they hold up the masses. Many like Salvation Army Bras because they uplift the fallen. Still others prefer Presbyterian Bras because they make you staunch and upright. But sure, lots of women also like the Baptist Bras because they make mountains out of molehills!

heeheehee

Merme

I received this in an email this morning...since it covers alot of areas, I didn't think anyone would be insulted by it.

Subject: Where do you live?


You live in Arizona when...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.


You Live in California when...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You Live in New York City when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.


You Live in Maine when...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You Live in the Deep South when...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You live in Colorado when...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.


You live in the Midwest when...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"


You live in Florida when...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

G~Mom

Wasn't aware I was in the deep south, but all of these apply to Eastern Kentucky!

You Live in the Deep South when...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
Hawk Creek Grocery...2 miles from here.
And, they make a mean bologna sandwich!

2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
Yep!

3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
Moved here from Norfolk, Va. 35 years ago, and they STILL say I ain't from around here!

4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
Trust me on this one.

5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

CINDY FAYE!

One sunday morning a city couple decides to take a drive in the country. Going down this narrow country rode the husband says to his wife "look at that a three legged chicken". Sure enough on the side of the road a three legged chicken. It started to run in front of thier car. Doing 30 , then 45, then 60, it was still out pacing them. Suddenly the chicken turns into a dusty driveway, the man follows with the car.They go around a bend and come upon a yard with about 35 three legged chickens are scratching in the dirt. Behind the yard is an old house with an old man on the porch rocking.
The man gets out and says to the old timer, "You see that a flock of three legged chickens". The farmer says, "yep,me and the wife raise them, we got the boy at home and we all like the legs best" The city guy says "Wow how do they taste?" Farmer says," Don't rightly know, aint caught one yet!"

This one's for the guys...

It's Hard to be a Man!
>
> Do you know how tough it is being a man...?
>
> If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
>
> If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
>
> If you work too hard there is never any time for her.

> If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
>
> If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your [BLEEP] and find something better.
>
> If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is
> favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
>
> If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual
> harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference

> If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive [BLEEP].
>
> If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without
> consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
>
> If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favour.
>
> If you appreciate the female form and frilly
> underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you must be gay.
>
> If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.
>
> If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
>
> If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
>
> If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
>
> If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her any more.
>
> If you want it too often, you're oversexed. if you don't, there must be someone else.
>
> NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! THEY WANT TO!!

"4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
Trust me on this one."


ROTFLOL!!!!!!!

Sue z

The Redneck Argument
"M R DUCKS"
"M R NOT DUCKS"
"O S M R DUCKS!"

I gotta agree on that ya'll. But I often don't have proper sentence structure, so when I say "later ya'll", I really do mean "later all ya'll!"

And, if you're not born & raised where you live.. you're never from 'round here. I learned that when I lived in PA. We moved to PA, from Norfolk,VA when I was almost 12. I'd only lived in VA, and so to them, I had an accent. I dropped that as fast as I could.. but when I'd get around someone else with the southern drawl, it'd come out again. Then we moved to GA, and it was back full swing, and it never left me. I don't have a real thick accent, of any kind, but don't speak like a northerner much either. And when I lived in GA, I met some "real" southern girls, that I could barely understand some of what they said..lol.

Meg

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quits working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check.
Oh, by the way, don't worry about my Bull Dog,
he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"


When the repair man arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next
day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever
seen. But just as she said, the dog just lays there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.
The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of
a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out.

"Jesus is gonna get you."

The robber ignored it, and takes the TV.

Again, the parrot cries out.
"Jesus is gonna get you."

The robber started to get a little worried.

"What's your name, birdie?"

"Moses."

"What idiot named you Moses?"

"The same idiot who called his rottweiler Jesus."

LOLOLOL!!!!

THAT is sooooooooo cute!!!


Sue z

LAST CHILD SUPPORT CHECK!!!
****************************

Today is my baby girl's 18th birthday. I am so glad that this will
be my last child support payment! Month after month, year
after year, all those dang payments!!!!

So I call my baby girl, to come to my house, and
when she gets there, I say,

"Baby girl, I want you to take this check
over to your mama's house and tell her this will be the last check she will ever be
gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the
'suppression on your mama's face."

So my baby girl take's the check over to her.

I am so anxious
to hear what she said and what she looked like.

Baby girl walks back through
the door,

I say, "Now, what did your mama say 'bout that?"

She said to tell you that


"you ain't my daddy," ... and watch
the 'suppression on 'YOUR' face."

An elderly woman went to the pet shop to buy a pet because she was so lonely. She found a funny looking frog and thought he was adorable and certainly easy enough to take care of, so she bought him.

Driving home, the frog whispered "Kiss me and see what I turn into" So the old woman said "What the heck, why not?!" and gave the frog a kiss.

Instantly, the frog turned into a glorious prince, tall and handsome and well-built....and then he kissed her back!

Guess what the old woman turned into?

GUESS!

Give up?

She turned into the nearest motel. She was old, not dead!



Merme

"She was old, not dead!"


HA! Good one Mary El!!!!

Did you hear about the depressed farmer?


-He got a John Deere letter.

:rolleyes:

One day a man and his best friend Mike(who was a notorius ladies man) where out on the lake fishing. When the man turns to his friend Mike and says, " Mike can I ask you a bedroom related question?"

"Sure." Mike says.

"Well I just can't seem to last as long as I would like. And well... it's starting to affect my marriage. Is there anything I can do that will help?" The man asks.

Mike turns to look at his friend thinking for a minute. Then finally says to him "What I do to last longer is I whip it out and slap it on the dresser three times. That gives me at the least 45 minutes."

The man says, " That really works?"

"It hasn't failed me yet."

Excited, the man hurries home to reignite a faltering flame. At home he finds his wife dressing in the bathroom. Giving him the chance to undress and try this new advice. He pulls it out and slaps it three times on the dresser. From the bathroom the mans wife calls out

"Mike is that you?"