A Gardeners Forum Forums Members History Forum Life 2005 MORE JOKES

Subject: Remember to wear clean underwear!!!


Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people staring at the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although he was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, needed three stitches in his forehead.

Southernosity

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissy fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near"and "a right far piece."

They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll."

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And there's the ole time favorite of "goin' back home to see mommernem" for some "down home cookin".

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.

Ain't it the TRUTH

G-Mom

Being a middle aged (if I live to be 104) Southern woman I can relate to both of these stories. Last year I had a doctors appointment because I was having heart palpations. I didn't think I would have to take off ALL my clothes. I wore a purple, flowered bra and bright blue panties. Didn't match at all. When I had to get undressed and stand up while the doctor opened the back of my gown, all I could think about was my underwear. I knew he was thinking I must be color blind. I started to say "these are my school colors and we're having a big game tonight" but I thought he would think I was a "fun" girl for sure. I don't remember a thing he told me. When I was telling this at work a lady I work with said that one time she was rear ended by a truck. The EMT's put her on a back board to take her to the ER. She said as soon as she got there she started explaining about her hot pink, velvet underwear set. She had just had a baby, was working full time, and hadn't done her washing. That was all that was in the drawer that day. A present her husband, of course, had bought her.

Those of us with a southern accent forget we have one. This past spring one of my co-workers, born, raised and still living in the same southern town went to Las Vegas with one of our interpreters who is from Mexico City. When they got to Las Vegas my southern friend asked someone "Where can we get a taxi?" The person asked her several times to please repeat herself. Finally he said lady I can't understand you. Our Mexican friend with a thick Spanish accent asked the same question. The man said "Oh" and showed them where to go.

Thanks for posting that story, Geegee! I needed a tonight!

Or, as in my case, NO underwear!

Cindy

You TOO?!

ooops...Bill, I thought you were asleep!

ROFL

I LOVED the mechanic one!!!!(missed it the first time )

G-Mom

I LOVED the mechanic one too, ROFLMAO

and the southern ones were good too. I spell it y'all though, always have and always will I guess.

I get teasted all the time about my southern accent, mine is not as bad as my sister's she really has that southern drawl

Here's a cute one I got in email today
[img]http://images.snapfish.com/342697%3B523232%7Ffp63%3Dot%3E2329%3D728%3D53%3C%3DXROQDF%3E23236%3C3679464ot1lsi[/img]

G-Mom

TOP TWELVE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS MADE BY PETS

12. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
11. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
10. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
9. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
8. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
7. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
6. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush me.
5. Always scoot before licking.
4. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
3. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.
2. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

G-Mom

another one from email:

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - -
HUSBAND: "crap."

To go along with Gardenmom's dog resolutions:
Dog pet Peeves About Humans...

1. Blaming your farts on me ... not funny

2. Yelling at me for barking ... I'M A STINKIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!

3. How you naicely belive that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your tooth brush smells a lttle like cat butt.)

4. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is it anyway?

5. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it.

6. Yelling at me for rubbing my butt on yor carpet. Whyd you buy carpet?

7. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your gusets. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshaking thing yet ... idiot.

8. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look we both know your just jealous.

9. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Dumbass.

10. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew up your [BLEEP] when your not home.

11. When you pick up the poop piles out of the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

12. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting supprised when I freak out every time we go back.

13. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You
fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

14. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?

Oklahorsenut- TOO FUNNY!
Now that is a dog with an attitude! (Hmmmmmm... actually, sounds like Cindy's dog. Cindy- did you write this?)

G-Mom

Okay, this is SUPER-funny, but I can't post it here 'cause it would get me poofed for sure, because language, language, language! But click this link to my imagestation, and you'll see a really funny e-mail I received.
(Don't worry-- it's not graphic or anything, but it does contain many of Bill's no-no words. If you are offended by these, you probably should not read it.)

http://www.imagestation.com/album/pictures.html?id=2133481934&idx=1

Merry Christmas, Geegee!

Thanks for posting that link...ROFL!

If you have time (no hurry though) would you please PM me the story...I have several friends that would ROFL too!

Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS: Ah, my son,
I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first
got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your
Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room,
where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload,
we discovered that neither one of us had used
a firewall, and since it was too late to
hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:

You've Got Male!

Thought this was kinda cute????
Weezie

Good one, Weezie!

And more from the mouth of babes (from a forwarded email):

The Umbrella Chord

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birthing story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, and pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in
my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts swaying and going,
'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, saying....'Oh, oh, oh!'"

Now the kid is doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning. My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man." "They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case
he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"

This kid has her legs spread and her little hands are mimicking water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom's play center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there for kids to use before it's time to come out."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

A Few things it took me 50 years to learn.....

Never, under any circumstances,take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"

Never lick a steak knife.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

You should NEVER say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economical status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention, it never fails)

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's reseach. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Forwarded from an email
(it was accompanied by really cute graphics that I can't figure out how to post )

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I’ve learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the a$$ are permanent.

Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows,maybe something good will happen. If not...tough!

Subject: Dementia Test


Below are four questions and a bonus question. You have to answer
them instantly. Don't take your time . . answer all of them
immediately, O.K.?
Let's find out just how clever you are . . Ready, GO!!

First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the
second person. What position are you in??
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Answer: If you answer first you are wrong. If you overtake the 2nd
person and you take his place you are 2nd.


Try not to screw up on the next question . . and don't take as much time
as you did on the first . . .


Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are. . ??
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Answer: If you answered you are second to the last, you are wrong
again. Tell me, how can you overtake the last person.??

You're not very good at this, are you???


Third Question: Very Tricky Math! Note . . this must be done in
you head only. Do not use paper, pencil, or calculator. Try it!

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add
10. What's the answer?
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Scroll down.
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Did you get 5000?? Wrong, it's 4100. Don't believe it?? Check
with your calculator.

Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you'll get the last question
right??


Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters. l. Nana
2. Nene 3. Nini 4. Nono
What is the name of the 5th daughter??
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Did you answer Nunu?? Wrong again. Her name is Mary . . read
the question again.


Okay here's the bonus round . .

There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating
the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to
the shopkeeper and the purchase is made.

Now if there is a blind person who wishes to buy sunglasses, how should
he express himself?
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Ans: He just has to open his mouth and ask . . so simple!!


KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE . .





Good friends are like stars...
You don't always see them, but you always know they're there.

DANG! You made me feel stupider than I already am!

(huh?)

King Arthur and the Witch

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be
put to death.

The question?....What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men
and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest
friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was
hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered ....is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a
great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on
the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had
happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the
day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments? What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.
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Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave
Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....


Things are going to get UGLY!

After a night of partying a few guys went home with their friend to see his new apartment. When he showed them his bedroom they were all puzzled by the big gong setting next to his bed. So they asked him why gong was in his bedroom. He told them.."it's not a gong, this is a talking alarm clock." What, it looks just like a gong! So the guy picked up the mallet and struck the gong...and immediately from the next apartment they haerd a LOUD voice saying.."it's 3 o'clock in the morning you A.H.!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay got this one by email...

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the
wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got
out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.
Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him
with died at the scene.

HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN.
1. I've smoked fatter joint's than that.
2. Ahhhh, its cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can l paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. Will it squeak if l squeeze it?.
9. It's OK, we'll work around lt.
10.Can l be honest with you?.
11 How sweet you bought incense.
12.This explains your car.
13.Maybe lf we water lt, lt will grow.
14.At least this wont take long.
15.Maybe lt looks better in natural light.
16.Are you cold?
17.Does lt come with an air pump.
18.So this is why we are supposed to judge people on personality.
19.What ls that?
20. I guess this makes me the "early bird".

I have got to send these to my husband!!!
He's never heard any of them before!!!!




Weezie

Three women and three men were traveling by train to the Super Bowl.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on just one ticket?" asks one of the men.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.
They all board the train.
The three men take their seats but all three of the women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says "ticket please."
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing an the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for their return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy a ticket at all!!!
"How are you going to travel wothout a ticket?"says one perplexed man.
"Watch and learn" answers the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into a toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on it's way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
The women knocks on their door and says....
"Ticket please."

(I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women.)

I received this in an e-mail...

The Blonde & The Indian!


An attractive Blonde, Kitty Mc Neill was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and
offered her a ride to a nearby town. Kitty climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let Kitty off at the local service station,yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback!"

G-Mom

those were too funny

I don't get it...........


Cindy

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Good one, Duckie!


And, when she's mad at YOU, don't EVEN let her brush your hair!


Hmmm.....I think I'm the nut.

From an e-mail:

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a twich to your eyes. The great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not (as) scripted and (often) dull as they are now.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions:

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the apartment next door.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a real gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Campfire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head, he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.

Those were the days when TV was still FUN!

It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following:

Please join me in remembering a great icon - the veteran Pillsbury spokesman. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday from a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours. The Keebler Elves served as pall bearers. As long-time friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very ³smart² cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes

Heres one from an e-mail...

Subject: A Cat in Heaven


A cat died and went to heaven. God met her at the golden gate and said, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to heaven at the same time. God met the mice at the gates of heaven with the same offer that he made the cat.

The mice said, "Well we have had to run all of our lives, from cats, dogs and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates we would never have to run again." God answered, It is done. All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything OK? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh it is wonderful. I have never been so happy
in my life. My pillow is so fluffy and those little meals on wheels
you have been sending over are delicious."

G-Mom

Cricket,
G~mom,

From another e-mail:

Subject: Raising Boys!


a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!

b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control..


The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000
sq.ft.house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
Roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a
Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to
spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball
hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in La Mesa, CA has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

I know for a fact this is true!
I encouraged my two little brothers (ages 5 and 8)to try it when I was 12...off the roof of the lower level of our house.

And I was the one who got in trouble!

Cindy

I might add that...

Play Doh and Ceiling Fans DO NOT go together! Play Doh sticks to the walls when applied with the force of a Ceiling Fan on HIGH!

Crayons will also pass through the digestive system of a child.

G-Mom

My favorites when I was a kid were pennies and marbles. The pennies were pretty easy, they slid right down. But, the marbles kind of hurt my throat. Got one stuck in my throat once and had to eat half a peanut butter sandwich to get it down!

Ahhh...those were the days!

Cindy

And beans WILL sprout ...even in your nose! (ask my sister)

This isn't a joke in the regular sense,but i think you'll get a kick out of it. It's a conversation I had with my youngest,Missy age 12,driving down the road yesterday.

G~Mom- Missy you know better,fix the shoulder belt on your seat belt the right way!

Missy-But Moommmm, I'm too short,it bothers me!

G~Mom-I don't even want to hear that...tou're as tall as I am!

Missy-Yeah,I know,but...your butts bigger so you sit up higher!

G-Mom!

Cindy

If I hadn't of been laughing so hard,I would have been speechless!

G~Mom

ROFLMAO!!!!

BECAUSE I'M A MAN!!!

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in.
AAA is not an option. I will win.
_________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare
at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will
say to the other, "I used to be able to fix
these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer and break
wind as a form of holy communion.
___________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold,
I need someone to bring me soup and take
care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do,
so for you this isn't a problem.
_________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store,
like milk or bread. I cannot be expected
to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu."
For all I know, these are the same thing.
And never, under any circumstances,
expect me to pick up anything for which
"feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice
and not a bodily function)
__________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much, once the repair person gets
here and has to put it back together.
__________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV.
If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time
I was able to survive by holding a
calculator).....applies to engineers mainly.
___________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars or football I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't ask.
___________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us,
or talk to her when she calls, or think about
her any more than I have to. Whatever you got
her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to
see it. And don't forget to pick up something
for my mother too.
___________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me
if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
____________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing
is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes
is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You loo fine.
Can we just go now?
_____________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and
I'll do the rest..... like looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the garden with a
beerwondering what to do.
_____________________________________________
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.

Ain't it the truth!

G~Mom

You can say that again!

From an email:

Irish Confession

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Lizzy Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads!"

A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies. (Cindy & G~Mom)( )
Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.
As he caught himself grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each hip pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing to supress the yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror. He then managed to find a large full box of band-aides and proceeded to place a patch as best he could on every place he saw blood. After hiding the almost empty box, he manage to stumble his way to bed.
In the morning, the man awoke with a searing pain in the head and butt and his wife starring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk last night." Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, "Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"
"Well" she said "it could be the opened front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly...it's all those band-aides stuck on the downstairs mirror!"

I haven't done that........... yet!


Cindy

BUMPER STICKERS YOU PROBABLY MISSED BECAUSE YOU WERE DRIVING TOO FAST.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My
Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ax Me About Ebonics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heart Attacks: God's Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If You've Never Seen
An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He
Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- plant A MAN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Those are GOOD!

Cindy
"Boldly Going Nowhere!"

G~Mom.....Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Subject: Cards

From the Dysfunctional section at the Hallmark store...

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell, until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. But, before you go...
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back?
You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, and Arkansas)

13. Looking back over the years we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?

14. Congratulations on your wedding day...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

Weezie, those greeting cards and bumper stickers were funny!!!

Hmmm...Andy's birthday is in two days.
Trying to decide which one of these to give him...

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell, until I met you.

5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

Courtesy of El Fil.

SIX AFFAIRS

**The First Affair**

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their
passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made
passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As
the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside
and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless
complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary
and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up
until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying [BLEEP]! You've been
playing golf!".


**The Second Affair**

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage
daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure
enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father
rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was
horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and
told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at
the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on
me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

**The Third Affair**

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing
discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to
be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be
saved for posterity."

With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's member. He
stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he
showed it to was his wife.. "I have something to show you that you won't
believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"


**The Fourth Affair**

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil
all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I
tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh,it's a
statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their
bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen
and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the
Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

**The Fifth Affair**

A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for
a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and
asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried
egg?"

"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the man.

"4 cents," the bartender replied.

"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The
bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

**The Sixth Affair**

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something
that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all
right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your
best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "keep still and let the poison
work."

FIRST GRADE WISDOM

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these, keep in mind they are 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!

1. Don't change horses..............until they stop running.
2. Strike while the ................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before ................... Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ...... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ...... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that .... looks dirty.
7. No news is ...........................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a ..................... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ......... stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ............................... me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ...... pigs.
13. An idle mind is ................ the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's .......... pollution.
15. Happy the bride who ................. gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ................. not much.
17. Two's company, three's ....................... the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ...... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ........you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ........... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ......... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed .................. get new batteries.
23.You get out of something only what...... you see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ............. get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than .................pregnant.

Words Women Use

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.


Send this to the Men you know and want to help, or to the Women you know, for a laugh.

Oh, that's my FAVORITE!

You seem to have forgotten one or two... :rolleyes:

Whatever! - means I may not be right, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong or that you're right!

. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

I wanna get this one for my ex.

the stupid *****. I lived with him for 20 years the laST 10 of which he lived on one end of the house and me on the other, not speaking to each other and trying our best not to even see each other. And now the stupid ***** if we are in a crowd of 100 people will hunt me up and try to start up a conversation Like of all the people on earth I'd have anything left to say to him.
It's men like him that give men a bad name. He's re married why in the heck would he hunt me down in a crowd of people and try and talk to me. I can't hardle attend anything my daughter (the older one) has because he does this to me.

I usually take my mom with me to these outings and I sit there and ignore him and she has to talk to him. He never even liked my mom

okay, I got a joke for the guys by email

Top 10 Reasons why some Men prefer Guns over Women
**************************************************

10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

9. You can keep one handgun at home and have another
for when you're on the road.

8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so,
he will probably let you try it out a few times.

7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another
handgun for a backup.

6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out
of ammo.

5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.

3. A handgun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make
me look fat?"

2. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after
you use it.

And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman

1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.

Not exactly a joke, but interesting anyway:

Typoglycemia


Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not you can read it .

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia -

Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :Yesterday's Meals on Wheels


On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

At a Proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..."
**************************

Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:> "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************

At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and
take appropriate action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car
payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your
payment. > However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and
get fed up"
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station, "Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town
to take a leak."

Funny blonde jokes, and one (supposedly) true story:

Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory?
Because she kept throwing out all the W's!

Q. How do you tell if a blonde has been on your computer?
A. White out on the screen.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you."
She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?"
The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."

Two blondes were driving to Atlanta. They come upon a sign that says "Atlanta - Left".
So, they turn around and go home

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to
get it started."
He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
tiger.
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She
lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says, "First of all, no matter wha! t we do, we're not going to
be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes
her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup
of tea, and then....." he sighed...
"Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?
The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.

Why did the blond only smell good on the right side?
He didn't know where to buy Left Guard!

Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Did you hear about the blonde who won the gold medal at the
Olympics?
She had it bronzed.

Did you hear about the blond who was arrested for shoplifting
shoes from K-Mart? They caught him just as he was hopping out
the front door.
(U.S. K-Mart marketing note: pairs of shoes are typically sold
connected together by a short string.)

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in kindergarten; which
one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she is the only one that's 18.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to
the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for
her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the
paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife,
inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she
realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had
paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his
pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch,
it's a Ferrari."

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says,
"Awww, look at the poor dead bird." The blonde stops, looks
up, and says, "Where?"

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and
finally, after getting all the necessary items together, she made for the
nearest frozen lake. After positioning her footstool, she started to
make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice and began to cut yet
another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE
NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of
the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice
came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Rink Manager!"

How do you keep a blond busy?
Write 'please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
To turn the blinker off.

How do blonde brain cells die?
Alone.

What do you do when a blond throws a pin at you?
Run like hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.

Why do blondes take the pill?
So they know what day of the week it is.

Why can't blondes use birth control pills?
They keep falling out.

A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.
One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some
four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned
a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright.
How long do you need them?" The blond paused for a minute and
said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, he returned to the office
and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years,
they live there, and one day they find a magic lamp. They rub it, and
sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says "since I can only give
out three wishes, you may each have one" So the brunette goes first, "I
have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and
my life - I just want to go home." POOF, she is gone. The redhead
makes her wish, "This place sucks, I want to go home too." POOF, she
is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks,
"What is the matter?" The blonde said, "I wish my friends were here."

A blonde appeared at the Pearly Gates seeking admission. The
gate keeper said there was a test that had to be passed before
continuing to paradise, and that the test consisted of three questions.

The blonde said, "Go ahead, ask the questions."

"O.K.," said the angel. "For the first question, tell me which
two days of the week begin with the letter T."

"That's easy," said the candidate for admission. "Today and
Tomorrow."

"Hmmm," said the angel. "Well, I can't argue with that. Now for the
second question: tell me how many seconds there are in a year."

"There are twelve," said the candidate.

"Twelve?!" exclaimed the angel. "How do you figure that?"

"Well, there's January second, February second, March second, etc."

"O.K.," mused the angel. "For the third question, tell me God's first
name."

"God's first name is Andy."

"Oh? What makes you say that?" asked the angel.

And the candidate replied, "It's right there in the song." (the
candidate begins singing an excerpt from the hymn, "In The Garden")
"And He walks with me, And He talks with me, And He tells me I am His own..."

-true story:
I was at the gas station waiting for the guy to come pump the gas (they used to do that) and heard him arguing with a blonde lady in front of me she wanted him to check her blinker fluid. She was very insistant so the guy went and opened her hood and messed around then charged her $14.95. ---

Subject: Don't step on the ducks!!!!!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St.Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together ands says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St.Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

okay by email

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice with picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for awhile, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard
voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women
aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond." Holding the bucket up he said,
I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.

BRA SHOPPING

Ok, so a man walks into the lingerie dept at a fine department store and tells the sales lady that his wife sent him to buy a Baptist Bra, size 36C.

The clerk thinks a minute, nods, and says she knows just what his wife wants. Soon she returns with a bra and sells it to him.

Puzzled, the man asks her to explain what a Baptist Bra is. She chuckles and replies.....

Lots of women like Catholic Bras because they hold up the masses. Many like Salvation Army Bras because they uplift the fallen. Still others prefer Presbyterian Bras because they make you staunch and upright. But sure, lots of women also like the Baptist Bras because they make mountains out of molehills!

heeheehee

Merme

I received this in an email this morning...since it covers alot of areas, I didn't think anyone would be insulted by it.

Subject: Where do you live?


You live in Arizona when...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.


You Live in California when...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You Live in New York City when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.


You Live in Maine when...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You Live in the Deep South when...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You live in Colorado when...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.


You live in the Midwest when...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"


You live in Florida when...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

G~Mom

Wasn't aware I was in the deep south, but all of these apply to Eastern Kentucky!

You Live in the Deep South when...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
Hawk Creek Grocery...2 miles from here.
And, they make a mean bologna sandwich!

2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
Yep!

3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
Moved here from Norfolk, Va. 35 years ago, and they STILL say I ain't from around here!

4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
Trust me on this one.

5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

CINDY FAYE!

One sunday morning a city couple decides to take a drive in the country. Going down this narrow country rode the husband says to his wife "look at that a three legged chicken". Sure enough on the side of the road a three legged chicken. It started to run in front of thier car. Doing 30 , then 45, then 60, it was still out pacing them. Suddenly the chicken turns into a dusty driveway, the man follows with the car.They go around a bend and come upon a yard with about 35 three legged chickens are scratching in the dirt. Behind the yard is an old house with an old man on the porch rocking.
The man gets out and says to the old timer, "You see that a flock of three legged chickens". The farmer says, "yep,me and the wife raise them, we got the boy at home and we all like the legs best" The city guy says "Wow how do they taste?" Farmer says," Don't rightly know, aint caught one yet!"

This one's for the guys...

It's Hard to be a Man!
>
> Do you know how tough it is being a man...?
>
> If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
>
> If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
>
> If you work too hard there is never any time for her.

> If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
>
> If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your [BLEEP] and find something better.
>
> If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is
> favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
>
> If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual
> harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference

> If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive [BLEEP].
>
> If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without
> consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
>
> If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favour.
>
> If you appreciate the female form and frilly
> underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you must be gay.
>
> If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.
>
> If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
>
> If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
>
> If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
>
> If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her any more.
>
> If you want it too often, you're oversexed. if you don't, there must be someone else.
>
> NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! THEY WANT TO!!

"4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
Trust me on this one."


ROTFLOL!!!!!!!

Sue z

The Redneck Argument
"M R DUCKS"
"M R NOT DUCKS"
"O S M R DUCKS!"

I gotta agree on that ya'll. But I often don't have proper sentence structure, so when I say "later ya'll", I really do mean "later all ya'll!"

And, if you're not born & raised where you live.. you're never from 'round here. I learned that when I lived in PA. We moved to PA, from Norfolk,VA when I was almost 12. I'd only lived in VA, and so to them, I had an accent. I dropped that as fast as I could.. but when I'd get around someone else with the southern drawl, it'd come out again. Then we moved to GA, and it was back full swing, and it never left me. I don't have a real thick accent, of any kind, but don't speak like a northerner much either. And when I lived in GA, I met some "real" southern girls, that I could barely understand some of what they said..lol.

Meg