A Gardeners Forum Forums Members History Forum Life 2005 Problem Child?

Okay, I will try to keep this short. My brother has 2 girls and the girl he's living with (Tina) has one son. His name is Alex, he's 11 and has ADHD. I'll give you just a few examples of things he's done over the last couple months. He got out my brother's good paints and decided to paint the "F" word on the kitchen wall. He downloaded porn at school and now can't go on the computers at school for a year, he brought a knife to school, got suspended, my brother hid the knife, he found it and took it back yet again!! I can go on and on and on. On top of all this, he lies, steals, he's sneaky - you just can't trust this kid. My niece Hannah who is 5 always says she doesn't like Alex's "hugs and kisses". Now this may be nothing but I don't like the sounds of it. Neither of my nieces like going to their Dad's on the weekend because of Alex and the new girlfriend (though that is just another story)! This new girlfriend Tina refuses to treat ADHD with medication, she doesn't believe in it. Alex always uses the excuse (the big kids made me do it). Tina blames these "big kids" for Alex's behaviour. Now, I'm not one that would ever preach to a mother how to raise her child but I love my nieces more than anything in the world, they're number 1 in my heart and I worry about them. Does anyone have any experience with ADHD? I'd like to at least talk to my brother and perhaps "suggest" things. It's such a shame because none of us enjoy being around Alex. It's really tough to "like" him. I've never had a problem loving a child and I feel guilty, as does my entire family. Any suggestions?

Christina

how do you know he is adhd? was he tested or is this based on his behaviour? i have found that many kids that have other probs are simply labeled adhd and thrown in with the rest of the prob. kids. he definitely sounds like he is looking for negative attention...have you spoken to your brother about how alex's behaviour can have a negative effect on his kids. i know it sounds harsh but sometime in these situations parents dont always see the big picture i.e. that their own kids are being hurt because they are turning a blind eye in order to keep a "loved" one longer. i would especially be worried about his "hugs and kisses". if he had the nerve to down load porn at school - who knows what he is doing in the privacy of his own home, and he certainly doesnt sound so loving....
i am only being so harsh because your neices are what most important in this story to you (and therfore to me). i hope that i havent offended anyone - i just say it like i mean it.
also, what kind of background is he from? was he always troubled or was it after a divorce or death or soemthing else traumatic? it is hard to love someone who doesnt think he deserves to be loved. try to help him but more importantly help your neices and your brother.

I should mention that though I don't believe "the big kids" make him do it but I do believe that he does these things and it's out of his control and that with proper treatment, he'd probably be a great kid. I often think that not treating it is doing more harm than good. I feel bad for Alex as well.
Just wanted everyone to know that...after reading my post, I sounded kinda' cold towards him.

Yes, he was diagnosed with ADHD by a medical doctor...years ago. Well, that's what his mother says. He was a "one-night-stand" pregnancy and only sees his dad from time to time. But you know what?? I know this is tough on children but these days, it seems like so many parents are divorced, re-married, etc...I know many children who have "step-dads", "step-moms", I'm one of them. I don't feel this is the problem. Alex's dad's side of the family spends just as much time with Alex, just as our side of the family spends lotsa' time with the girls...the girls never act out.
I don't know how to approach my brother. He's the older brother and he loves advice..(if he's giving it!!!) I'm just stumped!

You have to make sure this kid is never left alone with those girls. The things the one said about hugs and kisses is a HUGE red flag. That kid is not right and needs much more help than ritalin...he needs a lot of couseling, to say the very least. I don't know how you could approach your brother, but someone needs to intervene on behalf of the girls in particular, as well as for him.

Christina...I totally agree with pepper...the red flag issue here. My personal opinion is there is more going on with this child than ADHD!! Way more! Not only do the girls not need to EVER be alone with this boy..they don't need to be around him at all until he can be more i control of himself. Just think of the influence he is on them. I do not understand a parent not "believing" in treatment for a child in need. Althought this may sound very harsh...if it were me, I would report this to the Department of Human Services....thay can "make" mom get treatment for this child or can place him where he can get help. No one is doing this little boy any favors by letting this behavior go untreated. Just think how much worse he is going to get as he gets older...I would do all I could to try to get this child some help....

~V~

I meant to add....

I got a kick out of the title of this thread..I thought at first it was a thread about Cindy May...the forum problem child!!!!


~V~

This is my fear as well. Tina says she doesn't believe in ritalin. She gives him herbal medication. I don't know a lot about the drug.
It's a shame but I'm actually glad the girls only go to their dad's every other weekend and are never left alone with Alex. At one point they all lived in a 2 bedroom apartment and all 3 kids shared a bedroom there. The girls mother wouldn't allow my brother to have the girls until he got a larger home where they had thier own bedroom. I backed her up totally...I always seem to be siding with my brother's ex which also causes hard feelings with my brother and the new girlfriend. Oh....how I wish I could take charge. If I take this in my hands my brother's rebutle would make me crumble. I always sacrifice to my brothers. I'm going to my mom's in about an hour to discuss it with her. She feels it's her and my dad's duty to talk to Dave. And believe you me.....she will!!!

Well I hope your mom can get through. The entire family needs help, not just Alex and Tina. So that everyone can help Alex. Sounds like a very tough situation and I hope that something ahppens so that Alex will not go downhill any faster than he already is.

Well, Christina...I am going to be praying for your mom! That she will have the right words to speak to your brother to open his eyes to the critical situation he is putting the girls in. And...I so want them to see the NEED for that child to get some help before it is too late. I would risk the relationship with my brother to protect those innocent little girls... I will really be praying that it work out for the best for everyone involved!!!


~V~

I really don't have any experience with this, but I agree with Norman 100%.
About all I can add is my prayers, which I will!


Cindy (The "other" Problem Child!)

I also thought this thread was about "our" problem child, Cindy Sue!

To address your problem: I agree with what everyone else has to say, ADHD is over-diagnosed so much , I would tend to doubt he truly has it, it sounds more like a lack of maternal guidance and discipline. She (the mom) probably doesn't have a clue how to raise a child. I have a sister like that, although she gives her son medication she is constantly taking him on and off it for weekends and school vacations which in theory sounds like a good idea but medically is not the right way to go. I have worked with lots of kids over the years and if it's truly ADHD these kids need to be kept constantly busy and active, whether it's physically or mentally they thrive on routine, it can be very difficult and time-consuming to guide them and some parent's don't have the time and/or energy. It's so sad.

You are right to align yourself with the mother of the girls as they are your main priority. Your brother is a grown man and will make his own decisions in life but those little girls have not chosen to be in this dangerous situation and they need to be protected. Cheers to you Christina for looking out for their best interests! Good luck and prayers for you and the girls.

i knoe that i risk sounding naive - but does the school that he attends provide counseling? i know that schools around here provide on grounds counseling. true some places are better that others but it may be a place to start and i agree with everyone who said that he needs counseling along with possible medication. christina - i hope that i didnt make you feel bad when i questioned alex's background - what i meant to say is that if he is lacking the tools to deal with a difficult situations, possibly ones that he has already been in.
alex needs help,
nd i pray that your mother will be able to open your brother's eyes and heart in order to help himself, his girls and alex.

good luck, you are truly a great aunt to do thid for your neices and for alex too. lets hope that things will start to get better soon

i knoe that i risk sounding naive - but does the school that he attends provide counseling? i know that schools around here provide on grounds counseling. true some places are better that others but it may be a place to start and i agree with everyone who said that he needs counseling along with possible medication. christina - i hope that i didnt make you feel bad when i questioned alex's background - what i meant to say is that if he is lacking the tools to deal with a difficult situations, possibly ones that he has already been in.
alex needs help,
nd i pray that your mother will be able to open your brother's eyes and heart in order to help himself, his girls and alex.

good luck, you are truly a great aunt to do thid for your neices and for alex too. lets hope that things will start to get better soon

Christina I have no personal experience on htis subject. I have raised two families but thankfully only one we had trouble out of anywhere near this was Alan . I do agree with all above those girls should never be alone with Alex. Also why hasn't you dad already said something to your brother. Feelings be damned if it were me I would say something to the brother and you need to amke him listen he may not speak to you for awhile but then again he may be blinded by the mother of the boy. Surely he wouldn't want something to happen to his girls. There is an old saying "put you belly and face out front" say/do what has & needs to be feeling's will take care of themselves.
Jimmy

It doens't just sound like ADHD. My sister has that but she is not like this Alex. My best friend has it and she's just loud, hight pitched and hungry when she doesn't take her pill. This kid needs help and I mean seriously... just a matter of time before he pees in someone's locker and starts smoking pot. (sad to say I know someone who did both)

My dad is one of those "ignore the problem and it'll go away"...He doesn't get involved in any of our personal lives which is such a shame because he's really missing out...on both the positives and the negatives. It's not that he doesn't care, I suppose he isn't fully aware of what is going on but my mom is calling my Dad this evening and discussing it with him. She said they will pick a time ASAP and take Dave out for lunch and have a talk.

Here's a pic of Hannah.....isn't she precious. I'll get one of Danielle soon.

Aw, she sure is precious! What a beautiful little lady!

Christina , I agree with Hinda a school counselor needs to be notified,, I know that here in Texas if a child has been PROPERLY tested and confirmed adhd is the problem,SOME parents are given the option of changing the childs diet No red skinned apples, no white sugars, or white foods.., no food with red or yellow dye(s), sometimes Milk/dairy products can be a culprit in negitive behaviors,,, takes about 6 wks for diet change to show affect .. if that doesn't work the school can stongley recommend stratia, reddilin, etc, so many time release meds.. But many bad side affects as well,, and many times meds have to be changed or schedule form has to be adjusted at times making the child feel like a zombie, sleepy headachey, and so on,,, sounds like he needs a chemical makeup to see if there's a chemical inbalance, herbs are not the best thing always for children ESPECIALLY if there IS a chemical inbalance.
Again,,some children "actout" at an older age of something that 'may have' happened to them at ages 2-5 that they didn't understand, made them uncomfortable, or afraid, hanging on to that anxiety not knowing what to do with that feeling untill they begin to act out between 8-13, that's 5 yrs of almost intolorable behaviors, while the surrounding adults want to pull their hair out not understanding the behavior. It's possible he needs a pyscho-analysis to determine the root of his behavior that's where the school counselor would come in.. Can't you call anomy' and talk to the counselor in depth and they in turn can advise parents of mental health resources, with medical eval.? . I wouldn't fail to mention the "kisses and hugs" and porn at age 11; that all came from somewhere; I know kids start young these days but to cross the line and make little girls get creeped out by it By IT SELF is enough to report to someone
Christina your Brother is your Brother!! Approach Him!!! His Daughter's are losing Dad and Daughter time: these are times together lost that cannot be regained,, Just let him know how much you love him and your nieces and normally you're not a butt-din-ski, but that he needs to know that his daughters are uncomfortable with visits in his home because>>>> all the above..
Help him understand the severity of the concern, all the while assurring him, your speaking from the heart and not critizing, Maybe then he'll understand the need to get an action plan going, not only for the girls but for Alex as well, NOW is the time, for him (ALEX), to get help as teen age years is the next headache, better to get things on an even road now, thu medical , mental help and psycho-analysis .
If Alex GOD FORBID FORFIVE ME ever hurt those little girls and your brother finds later that you knew the hugs and kisses made them uncomfortable and didn't approach your brother with it, so he could put a stop to it how would he react to you then,,, Better to approach him let him know you're aware... that way you'll know in your heart you did what you could ..
and left it in his hands.... Prayers, and Hugs

Here's the both of them.

Alex's school is well aware of the situation. They too disagree with the actions Tina takes to cope with the problem. Tina and my brother are constantly being called into the school because of something Alex has done...the school is at the point where they can't take it anymore either.

Alex is and has been on a special diet for a long time. No sugars, no red or yellow dyes, etc, etc. And this behaviour has been going on his entire life...this is nothing new.

I did tell Dave what Hannah said about the hugs and kisses and Dave said that Alex is just being affectionate...that he's like that with all people. My brother is trying so hard to make this new family of his work. He has the girls calling Alex their brother, all Tina's side are now the girls aunts, uncles, grandma's, etc, etc. This confuses the girls. When they aren't around my brother, Tina and Alex, they never refer to him as their brother. I'm going to let my mom take this in her hands. But something will be done!

first of all,your younger neice looks so much like my daughter that i had to look at it twice to see the differences. wow!!
maybe you could reason with your brother that since he obviously wants his new family to work out, he has to make sure that his own daughters enjoy being part of the family. it is hard enjoying being with alex the way that he behaves (and your brother surely knows this and maybe even feels it too although he may never admit it). probs dont go away if you ignore them - you said that is your father's way of dealing is ignoring- you could probably give your bro. a few exmples . alex will be a teen soon and they have enough troubke just dealing with that, he needs to work out his other issues (whether they are behavioural or shemical or both) before or at least start to work them out...
protect your neices from alex, and try to help your brother. he may be hurt now but int he ned he will hopefully understand this was done out of love and not spite.

porn plus scary hugs and kisses.....this child needs help!!! Fast! It is time to inform child protection services. He has to recieve some kind of help for the sexual deviancy if they can't make her give him any medication. I too happen to think ADHD is over diagnosed but Alex definately has some real problems.