A Father I Know - June 19th, 2005 at 11:26 PM
As some of you already know, my Ex and I have many profound differences -- that's why we are Ex's, after all. But in general I try not to rag on him too much, even when we are at significant odds with one another because of all he did to get Maxi here safely. There is a huge gratitude to this man, a gratitude that grows stronger in my soul every time I think of my boy.
Edward had proposed to me several years before Maxi was born and I turned him down. I told him "No, Dude, you don't want to marry me. You need to wait and find yourself a younger, healthier chick who can help you make a home and give you a family."
He looked at me and said "Merme, I don't want those things, I want you."
And he meant it, too. He really had no interest in having a family or making a special home. He was content with just the two of us being foot-loose and fancy free.
Then the day came when he turned to me and said "Chick, you must be pregnant. You are 2 days late!"
I said "Naw, not possible! It's probably just stress from hearing the diagnosis of the kidney disease."
"Well, Merme, in all the years I've known you, you've never been late before and you are 2 days late."
He was right. At the 10 day mark, I had the test and when it came back positive for Maxi, I called him on the phone and said "Well, Papa...."
He whooped and hollered with joy, he really did.
Well, neither one of us were aware right then how difficult that pregnancy was going to get, nor how much effort it would eventually take. We didn't have enough sense to be as scared as we should have been.
My docs sure were frightened, though. It had been 10 years since my last miscarriage (I'd had three losses altogether -- a very painful era of my life with husband #1). My health was worse, I was turning 39, so these 12 specialists were scared for us.
As it turned out, when things went bad -- and buh-lieve me, they went bad -- Edward was magnificient. This man who didn't even really want a family became the hero of the story, making an all-out effort to do everything in his power for a successful outcome.
It was my dream to have a husband, a home and a family, not his. But that didn't matter...he faced that horrible situation with as much determination and male strength as ever possible as though it was his own dream.
I sometimes think of how it must have been for him in those dark days. Having a sick wife whose body was failing at an alarming rate with a tiny life inside just trying to survive. I know he was terrified of losing me yet when the doctors tried to insist on aborting at 7 months to save my life, he backed my decision to continue the pregnancy for the baby's sake.
And that required even greater sacrifice on his part and he gave those sacrifices willingly, without complaint, scared though he must have been. He never faltered, not once.
Edward took special classes so he could be in the OR for the c-section and would be able to provide care for the child. We were all hoping to make it to 32 weeks so the baby would be only 8 weeks early, and a premie that small needs lots of extra care. Against all odds, we made it to 34 weeks!
Edward told me later that when they put Maxi on the little table to work on him after his birth, watching that tiny 3 1/2 lb. infant fight so hard to simply take a first breath was the most humbling experience of his life. It nearly drove him to his knees.
When they started to run to the NICU with Maxi, my doctors told him to run with them because I was ok, he took off down the hallway too, a giant sized guy in surgical garb bursting out the door, following his son.
Hours later when they brought me to the NICU on the stretcher so I could peek at the kid, there was Edward sitting in a rocker, still gowned up, holding Max for the first time, wires and tubes be damned. I will never forget the huge grin on Edward's face in total amazement at the little life in his hands.
For a man who had never wanted a kid to start with, he was great! At the hospital 'round the clock, taking turns with me caring for the baby. Wild Edward, the heavy metal musician in a yellow surgical gown standing over the incubator thinking of all the baby songs he could to sing to the boy in his beautiful baritone. I'd known Dude for years and didn't know he knew all the words to Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and Barney's theme song until I heard him singing them to Maxi!
And afterwards, through all the months of very demanding high needs baby care, Edward never let go. So although he and I have been over for years now, there's never been a doubt in my mind what he feels for his son and of course, Maxi adores his dad, even recognizing his real problems.
So I like it that there is a special day set aside each year when we can all take a minute and say "Thanks" to a father we know. It strikes me as such a small thing really, having one day in June to just be grateful.
Merme
Edward had proposed to me several years before Maxi was born and I turned him down. I told him "No, Dude, you don't want to marry me. You need to wait and find yourself a younger, healthier chick who can help you make a home and give you a family."
He looked at me and said "Merme, I don't want those things, I want you."
And he meant it, too. He really had no interest in having a family or making a special home. He was content with just the two of us being foot-loose and fancy free.
Then the day came when he turned to me and said "Chick, you must be pregnant. You are 2 days late!"
I said "Naw, not possible! It's probably just stress from hearing the diagnosis of the kidney disease."
"Well, Merme, in all the years I've known you, you've never been late before and you are 2 days late."
He was right. At the 10 day mark, I had the test and when it came back positive for Maxi, I called him on the phone and said "Well, Papa...."
He whooped and hollered with joy, he really did.
Well, neither one of us were aware right then how difficult that pregnancy was going to get, nor how much effort it would eventually take. We didn't have enough sense to be as scared as we should have been.
My docs sure were frightened, though. It had been 10 years since my last miscarriage (I'd had three losses altogether -- a very painful era of my life with husband #1). My health was worse, I was turning 39, so these 12 specialists were scared for us.
As it turned out, when things went bad -- and buh-lieve me, they went bad -- Edward was magnificient. This man who didn't even really want a family became the hero of the story, making an all-out effort to do everything in his power for a successful outcome.
It was my dream to have a husband, a home and a family, not his. But that didn't matter...he faced that horrible situation with as much determination and male strength as ever possible as though it was his own dream.
I sometimes think of how it must have been for him in those dark days. Having a sick wife whose body was failing at an alarming rate with a tiny life inside just trying to survive. I know he was terrified of losing me yet when the doctors tried to insist on aborting at 7 months to save my life, he backed my decision to continue the pregnancy for the baby's sake.
And that required even greater sacrifice on his part and he gave those sacrifices willingly, without complaint, scared though he must have been. He never faltered, not once.
Edward took special classes so he could be in the OR for the c-section and would be able to provide care for the child. We were all hoping to make it to 32 weeks so the baby would be only 8 weeks early, and a premie that small needs lots of extra care. Against all odds, we made it to 34 weeks!
Edward told me later that when they put Maxi on the little table to work on him after his birth, watching that tiny 3 1/2 lb. infant fight so hard to simply take a first breath was the most humbling experience of his life. It nearly drove him to his knees.
When they started to run to the NICU with Maxi, my doctors told him to run with them because I was ok, he took off down the hallway too, a giant sized guy in surgical garb bursting out the door, following his son.
Hours later when they brought me to the NICU on the stretcher so I could peek at the kid, there was Edward sitting in a rocker, still gowned up, holding Max for the first time, wires and tubes be damned. I will never forget the huge grin on Edward's face in total amazement at the little life in his hands.
For a man who had never wanted a kid to start with, he was great! At the hospital 'round the clock, taking turns with me caring for the baby. Wild Edward, the heavy metal musician in a yellow surgical gown standing over the incubator thinking of all the baby songs he could to sing to the boy in his beautiful baritone. I'd known Dude for years and didn't know he knew all the words to Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and Barney's theme song until I heard him singing them to Maxi!
And afterwards, through all the months of very demanding high needs baby care, Edward never let go. So although he and I have been over for years now, there's never been a doubt in my mind what he feels for his son and of course, Maxi adores his dad, even recognizing his real problems.
So I like it that there is a special day set aside each year when we can all take a minute and say "Thanks" to a father we know. It strikes me as such a small thing really, having one day in June to just be grateful.
Merme