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#131747 June 22nd, 2005 at 06:09 AM
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Got jokes? I wanna hear them!


The Lord And Noah

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord fill the sky with rainclouds, preparing to start the deluge, and looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard .... but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a Building Permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the Environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

laugh laugh laugh

Dianna

#131748 June 22nd, 2005 at 09:31 AM
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OMG Dianna...I'm rollin ... laugh laugh laugh

#131749 June 22nd, 2005 at 10:33 AM
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Too Cute! And so true!

#131750 June 22nd, 2005 at 09:46 PM
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ROFL hahahahaha ^.^ That's so cute and funny!

*thinks* In the bible, doesn't it say that God will never do that again? And that he used a rainbow as a sign of appology or something like that?

Just curious ^.^
~Phoebs

#131751 July 9th, 2005 at 07:49 AM
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Psalm 23

(For the Work Place)


The Lord is my real boss, and I shall not want.
He gives me peace, when chaos is all around me.
He gently reminds me to pray and do all things without
murmuring and complaining.

He reminds me that he is my source and not my job.
He restores my sanity everyday and guides my decisions
that I might honor him in all that I do.

Even though I face absurd amounts of e-mails, system
crashes, unrealistic deadlines, budget cutbacks, gossiping
co-workers, discriminating supervisors and an aging body
that doesn't cooperate every morning, I still will not stop---
for He is with me! His presence, His peace, and His power
will see me through.

He raises me up, even when they fail to promote me.
He claims me as His own, even when the company threatens
to let me go. His Faithfulness and love is better than any bonus
check.

His retirement plan beats every 401k there is!
When it's all said and done, I'll be working for Him a whole lot
longer and for that, I BLESS HIS NAME!!!!!!

Pass this message to 5 people and bless them today...not just
yourself!

#131752 July 9th, 2005 at 07:54 AM
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That is really a blessing, Jimmy! And you shared it with way more than 5 people to boot. Thank you.

Dianna

#131753 July 9th, 2005 at 10:14 PM
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>
>Men:
>
>Why do men's hearts beat quicker,
>go weak in the knees,
>get dry throats
>and
>think irrationally
>when a woman wears
>leather clothing?
>
>
>
>
>BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK !!!

#131754 July 9th, 2005 at 10:19 PM
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laugh laugh LOL laugh laugh

G-Mom grinnnn

#131755 July 9th, 2005 at 10:20 PM
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Ain't it the truth!

#131756 July 11th, 2005 at 02:43 AM
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This froggy poem reminded me of Ms.Weezie. kissies




-
Two frogs fell into a can of cream--
Or so I've heard it told.
The sides of the can were shiny and steep,
The cream was deep and cold.
"Oh whats the use?" said Number 1
"Tis fate--no help's around--
Goodbye, my friend! Goodbye sad world!"
And weeping still, he drowned.
But Number 2 was sterner stuff and
Dogpaddled in surprise,
The while he wiped his creamy face
And dried his creamy eyes.
"I'll swim awhile, at least," he said--
Or so it has been said--
"It really wouldn't help the world
If one more frog were dead."
An hour or two, he kicked and swam--
Not once he stopped to mutter,
But kicked and swam and swam and kicked,
Then hopped OUT....via butter!

(author unknown)

#131757 July 11th, 2005 at 11:22 AM
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Boudreaux had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a
truck. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer
was questioning Boudreaux.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident,
"I'm fine," the lawyer asked?
Boudreaux responded, "Mais, Let me told you what happened. Me, I had jus' loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da . "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?
Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer and I was driving down da road . . . .
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he
is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".
Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, " I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and was driving her down da highway when dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and busted my truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one ditch, Bessie was thrown into da udder. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move at tall. But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me, I knew she was in some
kind o' terrible shape just by her groans.

"Right after da accident, a Highway Patrolman,
he came on da scene. He herd Bessie moanin' and groanin' so him, he went over ta her. After he took hisself a look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes. Den da Patrolman came cross da road wit da gun in his hand, and looked at me, and said 'How are you feeling?'
"Now what da hell would you say?"

#131758 July 12th, 2005 at 09:30 AM
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Important Virus update

Keep an eye out for this virus:


There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.


This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).


If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via
any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.


This virus will wipe out your private life completely.


If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub.


Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).


The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it, the next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK).


Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.


Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is DEADLY (Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).


Update 07-11-05: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.

#131759 September 22nd, 2005 at 09:06 AM
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Bringing this one up from page 12 shk
Think Lynne needs some cheering up.
Remember now G~rated!!!

#131760 September 22nd, 2005 at 09:17 AM
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Thanks Catlover! Duh

By the way... cute jokes! laugh
Keep bringing 'em on! thumbup

#131761 September 22nd, 2005 at 09:22 AM
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grinnnn oh shoot,I don't have any g ones.

only,lions and tigers and boys, shk oh my!!!!

#131762 September 22nd, 2005 at 08:33 PM
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To My Friends

Every single evening
As I'm lying here in bed
This tiny little prayer
Keeps running through my head.
God bless all my family
Wherever they may be,
Keep them warm and safe from harm
For they're so close to me.
And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do.
Hope you don't mind me asking,
Bless my computer too.
Now I know that it's not normal
To bless a mother board,
But listen just a second
While I explain to you 'My Lord.'
You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds & ends
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my FRIENDS.
I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they live.
By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you
We share in what life brings us
And from that our
friendship grew.
Please, take an extra minute
From your duties up above
To bless those in my address book
That's filled with so much love!
Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
bless each e-mail Inbox
And the person who hits Send.
When you update your heavenly list
On your own CD-ROM
Remember each who've said this prayer
Sent up to God. Com. Amen.

#131763 September 22nd, 2005 at 08:36 PM
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Oh, papito! thumbup
I'm gonna print that out right now to hang above my computer!

Cindy

#131764 September 22nd, 2005 at 11:07 PM
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Have y'all heard this one?

A frog walks into a bank and goes up to a teller, noticing her name plate says "Patricia Whack". Polite as always, the frog speaks "Ms. Whack, I would like a loan for $30,000 please."

Ms. Whack looks at him with some surprise and replies "Well, sir, we will need some information! Your name, your parentage, your connections, your collateral..."

"Oh, that is easy. My name is Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. We are friends with the bank manager. And this is my collateral" he said, proudly holding up a tiny, exquisite porcelin elephant.

Ms. Whack takes the elephant from him and walks to the bank managers office. In the office she tells the story to the manager and then asks "What is it?!"

Are you ready for the answer?


The bank manager replies....

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"


laugh laugh laugh

Merme

#131765 September 23rd, 2005 at 09:18 AM
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lol! these jokes are hilarious! I really like that one merme! lol

#131766 September 23rd, 2005 at 09:47 AM
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Courtesy of Joey.

There is a factory in America, which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy
laughs when you tickle it under the arm.

A new employee is hired at the factory and starts at 8 a.m. The next day at
8:45 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the
assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,
putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager
decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the
factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me
Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile
up....

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of
Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of
small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of
fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterical laughter he pulls himself together and
approaches the woman.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday"......

"Your job is to give Elmo two "test tickles".

#131767 October 6th, 2005 at 02:38 AM
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MAMA'S BIBLE
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty
preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were very impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

#131768 October 6th, 2005 at 02:56 AM
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laugh laugh laugh

Dianna

#131769 October 6th, 2005 at 04:11 AM
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The Church Cake

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale,
but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an
angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center
had dropped flat.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."
So, she looked around the house for something to build up the
center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom... a roll of toilet paper.
She plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished
product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church.
Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some
money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the
minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had
already been sold.
Alice was beside herself.
The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home wheretwo
tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.
After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off,
the cake inquestion was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush
into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before
she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said,
"What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess
say: "Thank you, I baked it myself."

#131770 October 6th, 2005 at 04:14 AM
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I found one more:

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

#131771 October 8th, 2005 at 03:40 AM
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These are too funny perpl perpl perpl

Malinda

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