A Gardeners Forum Forums Members History Forum Life 2005 Who do you trust the most?

Who do you trust the most in your life?


I would have to say my husband.

Gotta be Rachel...

Hhmmm...this is a hard question for me! The only answer I have is #1, God....#2. me.
Please don't misunderstand me, it isn't that I dont "trust " people...I do, but only to a certain extent. I am closer to my sis than anyone...but I don't always agree with her. I do trust my hubby, but even he will tell me what he thinks I "want" to hear at times...not what I NEED to hear. I am very close to my son...but there are just things that I would not be able to share with him...he already thinks I am crazy enough! I have many aquaintences and a handful of very close friends.....but I have been burned by some of the best of them. We are all very human and failable...so I try very hard not to put myself in a postiion to be blown away or devistated by another persons actions. Even though you may REALLY REALLY know someone...you never know how they are going to react to any given situation. We know how we would LIKE them to react...and how we would hope they would react...Hhmm...now I'm hoping that this isn't making me appear as a cold or hard person....

No, not at all...makes perfect sense to me. You are very right, in fact. Sometimes we say what we think the person wants to hear, not how we truely feel. And you never can predict anothers actions.

My children and my mother.

I had to do some serious thinking about this. And I have come to the concusion that maybe we most trust the person who loves us the most. I guess that would have been my mother because she had that unconditional love for me!
Okay Barley, now that you have made me crazy over this ...what brought this topic up?

It's human nature to be selfish, it's how we see the whole world, through our own eyes and how it will affect us. So even though I trust my best friend alot, there is always the possibility she could do something to me that I could percieve as back-stabbing but that she would consider in HER best interest. Survivalist instinct I guess.

Trust doesn't come easily to me, probably because I spent much of my life being far TOO trusting. Somewhere I learned along the way to stop that.

It isn't so much that people will let you down from time to time, as all humans must simply because there is a finite quality to our capabilities -- we are not superheroes, we do have limits! It isn't even so much that self-serving interest that Melcon mentioned, which is certainly also true of all humans.

For me, the concept of trust contains the notion of surrendering a portion of my independence -- yielding, and becoming vulnerable. This idea of casting myself on the bar of someone else's mercy or goodwill toward me is very difficult.

I do better over time... giving my trust out in small doses, as it were. "here is an inch, my friend" Ok, so that went well. "here is two inches" Ok, even better.

All of this, of course, has absolutely nothing to do with the degree of smoothness for interacting a relationship may or may not contain. Because certainly, even people with the best intentions toward one another can have misunderstandings and miscommunicate or "drop the ball" from time to time.

It doesn't even have to do with dailyness of contact. The frequency of time spent together doesn't strike me as a vital component for trust. It is more along the lines of that sense of "withness" or "being there" for one another through thick and thin. "Being there" when needed, and maybe even a little bit before.

This is an interesting question all the way around, Barleychown, because in my life there are people I can trust for different reasons or in different categories. And knowing the real limits that each of my dearest friends and family members have, I try very hard not to ask or expect more of them than they are capable of being or doing toward me.

For instance, I have two dear girlfriends I have known for many years here in ME. Lori and Angel. Lori can be counted on without hesitation for things such as hanging on the phone for endless hours through really difficult times, through fear and tears and great woe, for times of great celebration. For figuring out all the important stuff. We've always done that for one another. But DO NOT EVER EXPECT Lori to manage practical commitments such as showing up in a timely manner, or being the least bit sensible when it comes to planning and preparing for an event. That part of living is completely beyond her, so I don't put out the expectation that she suddenly WILL be able to do that!

On the other hand, Angel is the one who will come at the drop of the hat, drive hours to accomplish something, beat the clock and all speed records, hang beside a hospital bed even when you are sleeping, make the business calls, pay an important bill, change a lock on a door -- whatever practical thing needs doing. But she isn't one to have endless conversations with other women... she likes woman-to-woman chat to be more social. So I never try to ask her to help me sort out "the meaning of life" or "what's it all about?" But oh man, when the EX has gone insane and the kid needs help after midnight and there is only enough change in the mug for a small amount of gas, she is the one to call!

You see? It would not be fair of me to trust either friend for things that are beyond what they can do. It is, however, very right to put my trust out there for the things they can do.

Merme

I saw it asked on another board and was suprised by some of the answers, and it got me thinking, and then wondering what others here would say.

Merme, that is an excellent and though-provoking answer(now must think! )

Mel, I think you are on the right track, as well.

TRUST - "The firm reliance on the integrity, ability or character of a person or thing."


Trust used to be something I did way too easily.
I trusted everyone........how stupid.
My trust in others has resulted in some of the most hurtful times in my life. Every man I have ever had a relationship with turned out to be someone totally different than what they were showing me. I was always so trusting and gullible I believed everything they told me. I don't trust men at all now...and I hate that because it means I will never have the loving, trusting relationship that I have always dreamed about. I'm not even interested in trying anymore. The relationships I've "almost" had since my divorce have made me realize that if I had to spend the rest of my life with Andy, that would be better than starting over with someone else, because I already know what to expect from Andy...it won't be a surprise now.

Gee...I sound so cynical...but it's hard for me not to be.
And, I'm not saying that every man is alike and can't be trusted. My best friend in the world is a man, and I trust him completely.

There are several people I trust , but only 2 that I can say I trust completely ...and that is Rachel and Johmas (short for John Thomas). I know for an absolute fact that neither one of them would ever betray my trust in them, and they know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they can trust me as well.


Cynical Cindy

Exactly my point...except I made the reference to people in general!

Uhhh...yeah, I shouldn't have made my reply so gender specific.
I've been stabbed in the back by women (more than one) who I trusted with my life...but found out I couldn't trust them with my husband!

Good one, afgreyparrot. I have to honestly say DH also.

Barley, I think that people in all walks of our life e.g family, friends, partners are all fallable, they let us down by thinking they know what is best for us. Usually it is the opposite
Know l should not say this, but most of the time they have not got a clue as to what we want. They listen with half an ear to us and the other half is thinking of their own problems
My own instinct's, ok they are not alway's right, but nine times out of ten they are.
Doreen.

Good answer Doreen!

I trust my mom and Mark 110 percent!

WHEW...thanks Doreen...I was feeling a bit guilty about thinking like that...but...hey Barley wanted to know!

I think many times when we feel our trust has been betrayed it isn't because the other person became untrue to himself/herself but became untrue to what we THOUGHT they were. It is a subtle difference in perception.

If I THINK you are wonderful, beautiful and smart and then one day you act really dumb (because truthfully you are a dumb one) then have you betrayed my trust in your "smarts"? Or were you just being your true self and I was the one with the misperception? I WANTED you to be smart; I may have even NEEDED you to be smart; and I could have convinced myself of your smartness until the jig was up and the truth revealed in such a way that I could no longer ignore it.

I have a very dramatic example of this sort of false perception that can lead to a "disappointed" or "betrayed" trust out of my own life. It is the honest truth, too.

Back in 1991 when Maxi's dad first proposed to me, I said "No, dude. You will eventually want a younger, healthier woman who can help you make a home and a family."

He was on his knees in front of me and looked me right in the eye and said "No, Mary-El. I do not want those things; I want you!"

Well GOLLY! Did I ever like that reply! He wanted me! ME, even though I couldn't give him children or help him make a home. Wow, I was dancing on air!

I rejected his offer of marriage, though, but we stayed together.

Roll the clock forward to 1995. I'm pregnant with Max and so we get married in August. The kid is born in October. The following August, we separated and have never lived together again since, though we didn't divorce until several years later.

When we split up, he was out, immediately running with the crowd, partying himself half to death.

I felt so betrayed! He abandoned his lovely home and family that adored him! How COULD he?

The following Father's Day (1997) we were on the beach, talking, letting Max play. I said "Dude, you are walking away from the very things that millions of men would give their teeth to have... you have a nice home, a beautiful son who adores you, a wife whom you can trust completely and have never had to question her loyalty, there is food on the table when you come home to a wide welcome of joy. There is some fun and a little adventure built into every day! Why give it all up?!"

He looked at me and said "I can't spend the rest of my life miserable!"

At the time I was shocked by his answer. Miserable? How could those things -- the best I had to give -- make him MISERABLE?

It took me a long time to realize...

He did NOT betray my trust. Remember? He had told me the truth back in 1991 when he said "I DON'T WANT THOSE THINGS!" but starry-eyed me only "heard" the "I want you!" part.

So... should I have been so shocked when the marriage with the home and family lasted only a year and one week? He had TOLD me he didn't want those things. I should have believed him.

Yet because he did really love me and knew that those things were MY dream, he went all out, making huge sacrifices to see to it that Maxi got here safely. But when it came down to living the husband/father/family man in the bosom of his darlings lifestyle, he couldn't.

We were FINE as a couple but could not make that transition into family life. And I should not have been surprised.

Since then, I've learned to be more careful with others... not giving them attributes I want them to own but they may not really have. It is idiotic to demand fiscal honesty from a thief; monogomy from a promiscuous person, etc...

You see what I mean?

Merme

Oh, and one other thing...

I think this question is also difficult because it is SO broad.

Ask me "who do you trust?" most of the time I would answer "for what?"

I wouldn't trust ME to fly a jetliner, do surgery, or handle my own dry cleaning. So no, I would NOT trust myself first in those things... I must trust the pilot or not get on the plane.

Merme

I don't think whom you trust necessarily corresponds to whom you love.
Perhaps you trust those you love the most to not HURT you (which is reasonable to an extent, but you also give them more power to hurt you, which can kind of make it inevitable), but that's a specific KIND of trust.

But when I think about trust, mostly, I think of either someone who can be depended on to be HONEST, or someone who can be depended on to be THERE. Whoever posted the definition of trust, with "integrity and character" hit it right on the head. So, for me the people that I trust the most are my father (who is incapable of dishonesty in any form, even for social reasons), and my best friend, who will BE THERE no matter what. I also trust my Mom and my husband, but I think that they see me less clearly because they love me, which affects how much I can trust their opinion, even though I have complete faith in their love.

I even think you can have total trust in someone you don't really like, based strictly on honesty, and past performance.

There have been some good points made! Trust is a tricky thing...with many angles, and many degrees.

In my previous post I didn't mention someone...One of my best friends Mel....I would trust her with my life.....just as I would with Mark and mom.....

What an interesting topic. I trust my husband first and foremost. Before I married Neil I only trusted myself. Too many bad experiences with unworthy people made me not very trusting. Trust is more important to me in any relationship. With Neil and I friendship came first. I think friendship in a way requires more trust. Does that make any sense?

Another thought to ponder: Do the little things or the big things matter more? I think all the little things are much better then a few big things.
Nancy

Meaning the little moments, or the little things you agree upon?

I do agree that the little moments meant for more than the big. I think that in order to keep any relationship healthy, be it marriage, friendship or whatever...you have to continually strive for it. The little things are a vital part of this. Something as small as a phone call, or a shared cup of tea at the right moment can make a world of difference.

The big moments in life are great, but few and far between. If you are trying to live for them, sometimes it's just way too far between.

I think that's what is wrong with today's crop of fairy tales. There is no "happy even after"...or if there is, it doesn't just happen. It's work. Every single day. The busier we get, the more we let the little things slide. When is the last time you wrote your loved ones, be it a spouse, parent, friend, or child, a note to let them know how you feel? The last time you watched the sun rise, or set, just because you could?

My vote is for the little things!
We have such BIG expectations of "big" things and are usually disappointed. Where as...you don't even expect the little things to begin with...so they are always wonderful.
Case in point...I LOVE diamonds...(DUH)..and so for Christmas or anniversaries hubby use to always try to get me a really nice diamond ring. ...and I love them. BUT..one day (100 years ago) he came home from work and after supper gave me a little box for no special reason...it had a very inexpensive ring with matching earrings in it. That little inexpensive gift meant more to me than all of the big ones I expected. It has been the one ring I never take off...the thought of it being for no special reason meant more to me than anything. I think I'll go remind him of it! :rolleyes:


~V~

Well for myself I trust my whole family. The one person outside my family that I do trust is my bestest friend Loz. She is the one and only friend that I would never doubt.

Hey Mark!!!

That is the most romantic thing I've ever read!
Mostly because you never post!!!

Who is Mark? I don't know which post is his.

I think it's Mark, Loz' husband, unless it's her best friend, Mel, in which case it's not romantic but funny

Come out ~! and show yourself!

I've heard people (and a former girlfriend) say, "Don't sweat the small stuff."
I've always been very stoic about the big things...a death in the family, things beyond my control...but the little things in life are the things you can control...maybe those are the things we should pay attention to. I'm no longer with that person (former girlfriend) because she ignored the day-to-day things, except when it affected HER!

Awww, thanks Mel--you twit!!! She's truly the kind of friend that you know would do absolutely anything for you....

Mark's never been on here.....I don't even think he'd know how to get around on here, he never ever gets on the computer...unless he wants to look at something online, then he gets me to do it while he sits here with me....

I'd also like to say that the person I trust most is my wife. I say "wife" even though we've not had an opportunity to get married yet...her mom has gone through several years of heart problems, a broken hip, etc., and her father committed suicide during our first year together, etc. The BIG stuff.
We've had a few fights, basically over small stuff, but we never bicker over the big issues...because what else can you do but work through them? I was 39 and she was 43 when we met, and luckily we both had matured to the point of knowing what we wanted in our relationship, and of recognizing that it's important to give as much and more than you expect in return, if you're going to have a good relationship. We knew within the first month that we could trust each other on the things that matter, fidelity foremost, and all the rest, and I think part of that had to do with the age we were when we met.

When and how did you meet, Dave?

Mel...we met in spring of 2000. A lady friend I ran in to at a happy hour said that her veterinarian and some of the staff were meeting after work for a Mexican dinner, at that time a Friday night ritual. I went along 'cause of the great food, Santa Fe style. I commented that I thought "Dr. Mack" was nice looking, and saw her again on several similar occasions, chatting with her a few times. Eventually, my lady friend got around to telling her that I thought she was nice looking, and Dr. Mack, Susan, made it a point to come to my watering hole a couple of times to check me out further. I didn't know she was checking me out until one day, out of the blue, she called me and asked if I'd like to get together sometime. As it was, I had a strong interest in someone, although not yet in a relationship other than a little kissing a couple of times. I agreed to meet with Susan, not knowing a lot about her but liking her well enough that I was flattered, and interested in friendship. I was much impressed with her on that first not-yet-a-date, having some beers together, and she was evidently impressed with me, because she called me again next weekend, and we've been together ever since!

Wow, that's cool and interesting. My best friend says I should never call the guy I'm interested in, if they are "into" me, they will make the first move. I always thought if I'm interested I'm not gonna let this gender bias thing get in the way.

NO! That is wrong! Call him!

Wow, just getting around to reading this thread. I guess I am the odd duck here cuz I am a very trusting person. In fact there are very few people I do not trust and they have to give me a pretty good reason to lose my trust in them.

Now I guess there are various levels of trust, I do agree and there are people I trust with more than others but for me, it is something I give away rather than keep to myself.

So true Triss. It all depends on what you're trusting them with, though. I'm in business for myself, and I don't ask for signed contracts up front. Have rarely been burned. But then, I work almost exclusively by word of mouth references.

Dan is like that in business as well. ALL of his business comes word of mouth and is all done by word on both ends.

I am very lucky to have a husband like Neil. He hates Valentine's Day. He says why should he wait until Valentine's to show someone how much you love them. You should be doing that whenever because who knows when that last day together will be. So yes the little things mean so much more to me. I save all the little gifts the boys make me and I have quite a few.
Yes, marriage is work but very much worth the effort. I just can't imagine what life would be like without Neil or even the kids.
Do you think it is true that women marry someone like their dad and men marry someone like their mother? Just wondering because Neil & dad are very similar.
Nancy

In a lot of cases, yes, I do think people marry others like their parents. I know Dan has many traits of my dad and I see me in his mom some as well. Funny how that works out isn't it?

Very interesting question and answers! There are so many degrees of trust isn't it? I have freinds that I trust up to a point-sad to say but totally? only one. My husband. Walt I trust totally and completely. But I am lucky-I married my best friend. We have no secrets from each other. We have been married 25 years now and I still think that he is one of the sexiest men around-he says that he is getting fat-bald headed and 50. Love must be blind. My daughters-yep-no doubt- they would watch my back in a heart beat as I would them. Soo-my family without a doubt. The rest of the world-only as far as I can see them. :rolleyes:

I have to agree with Triss - I trust most people. Have been burned on occassion but it's my nature to be trusting so I enter relationships expecting people to be trustworthy and usually they are. I'm not naive about it - I trust kids to act like kids and they never let me down. I know who I can share a secret with and who I can't - not that I don't trust the ones I don't share secrets with but I have to recognize that not everyone is able to maintain a confidence.

My husband I would trust with my life (I trust my children with him and they are what I value most in this life) and he has proven himself trustworthy over 30 years of marriage. I trust my family. Most especially I trust God - not to make my life easy or do what I want but to always do what is best.

PS very good point - I know that you meant to say fallible (capable of making mistakes) but when I looked at the word fallable - it's perfect - we are not only capable of making mistakes but we also fall flat on our faces and let down everyone around us.

Sorry - I've been proof-reading my semester project for the last week and now I'm proofing everything. It's a sickness. But that word is a keeper.