A Gardeners Forum Forums Members History Forum Life 2005 MORE JOKES

This isn't a joke in the regular sense,but i think you'll get a kick out of it. It's a conversation I had with my youngest,Missy age 12,driving down the road yesterday.

G~Mom- Missy you know better,fix the shoulder belt on your seat belt the right way!

Missy-But Moommmm, I'm too short,it bothers me!

G~Mom-I don't even want to hear that...tou're as tall as I am!

Missy-Yeah,I know,but...your butts bigger so you sit up higher!

G-Mom!

Cindy

If I hadn't of been laughing so hard,I would have been speechless!

G~Mom

ROFLMAO!!!!

BECAUSE I'M A MAN!!!

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in.
AAA is not an option. I will win.
_________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare
at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will
say to the other, "I used to be able to fix
these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer and break
wind as a form of holy communion.
___________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold,
I need someone to bring me soup and take
care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do,
so for you this isn't a problem.
_________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store,
like milk or bread. I cannot be expected
to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu."
For all I know, these are the same thing.
And never, under any circumstances,
expect me to pick up anything for which
"feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice
and not a bodily function)
__________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much, once the repair person gets
here and has to put it back together.
__________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV.
If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time
I was able to survive by holding a
calculator).....applies to engineers mainly.
___________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars or football I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't ask.
___________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us,
or talk to her when she calls, or think about
her any more than I have to. Whatever you got
her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to
see it. And don't forget to pick up something
for my mother too.
___________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me
if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
____________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing
is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes
is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You loo fine.
Can we just go now?
_____________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and
I'll do the rest..... like looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the garden with a
beerwondering what to do.
_____________________________________________
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.

Ain't it the truth!

G~Mom

You can say that again!

From an email:

Irish Confession

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Lizzy Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads!"

A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies. (Cindy & G~Mom)( )
Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.
As he caught himself grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each hip pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing to supress the yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror. He then managed to find a large full box of band-aides and proceeded to place a patch as best he could on every place he saw blood. After hiding the almost empty box, he manage to stumble his way to bed.
In the morning, the man awoke with a searing pain in the head and butt and his wife starring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk last night." Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, "Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"
"Well" she said "it could be the opened front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly...it's all those band-aides stuck on the downstairs mirror!"

I haven't done that........... yet!


Cindy

BUMPER STICKERS YOU PROBABLY MISSED BECAUSE YOU WERE DRIVING TOO FAST.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My
Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ax Me About Ebonics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heart Attacks: God's Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If You've Never Seen
An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He
Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- plant A MAN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Those are GOOD!

Cindy
"Boldly Going Nowhere!"

G~Mom.....Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Subject: Cards

From the Dysfunctional section at the Hallmark store...

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell, until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. But, before you go...
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back?
You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, and Arkansas)

13. Looking back over the years we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?

14. Congratulations on your wedding day...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

Weezie, those greeting cards and bumper stickers were funny!!!

Hmmm...Andy's birthday is in two days.
Trying to decide which one of these to give him...

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell, until I met you.

5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

Courtesy of El Fil.

SIX AFFAIRS

**The First Affair**

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their
passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made
passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As
the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside
and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless
complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary
and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up
until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying [BLEEP]! You've been
playing golf!".


**The Second Affair**

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage
daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure
enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father
rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was
horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and
told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at
the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on
me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

**The Third Affair**

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing
discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to
be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be
saved for posterity."

With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's member. He
stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he
showed it to was his wife.. "I have something to show you that you won't
believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"


**The Fourth Affair**

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil
all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I
tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh,it's a
statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their
bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen
and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the
Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

**The Fifth Affair**

A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for
a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and
asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried
egg?"

"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the man.

"4 cents," the bartender replied.

"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The
bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

**The Sixth Affair**

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something
that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all
right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your
best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "keep still and let the poison
work."

FIRST GRADE WISDOM

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these, keep in mind they are 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!

1. Don't change horses..............until they stop running.
2. Strike while the ................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before ................... Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ...... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ...... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that .... looks dirty.
7. No news is ...........................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a ..................... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ......... stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ............................... me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ...... pigs.
13. An idle mind is ................ the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's .......... pollution.
15. Happy the bride who ................. gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ................. not much.
17. Two's company, three's ....................... the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ...... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ........you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ........... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ......... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed .................. get new batteries.
23.You get out of something only what...... you see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ............. get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than .................pregnant.

Words Women Use

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.


Send this to the Men you know and want to help, or to the Women you know, for a laugh.

Oh, that's my FAVORITE!

You seem to have forgotten one or two... :rolleyes:

Whatever! - means I may not be right, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong or that you're right!