A Gardeners Forum Forums Members History Forum Life 2005 MORE JOKES

Subject: Dementia Test


Below are four questions and a bonus question. You have to answer
them instantly. Don't take your time . . answer all of them
immediately, O.K.?
Let's find out just how clever you are . . Ready, GO!!

First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the
second person. What position are you in??
*
*
*
*
*
*
*


Answer: If you answer first you are wrong. If you overtake the 2nd
person and you take his place you are 2nd.


Try not to screw up on the next question . . and don't take as much time
as you did on the first . . .


Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are. . ??
*
*
*
*
*
*
*


Answer: If you answered you are second to the last, you are wrong
again. Tell me, how can you overtake the last person.??

You're not very good at this, are you???


Third Question: Very Tricky Math! Note . . this must be done in
you head only. Do not use paper, pencil, or calculator. Try it!

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add
10. What's the answer?
*
*
*
*


Scroll down.
*
*
*
*
*


Did you get 5000?? Wrong, it's 4100. Don't believe it?? Check
with your calculator.

Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you'll get the last question
right??


Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters. l. Nana
2. Nene 3. Nini 4. Nono
What is the name of the 5th daughter??
*
*
*
*
*
*
*


Did you answer Nunu?? Wrong again. Her name is Mary . . read
the question again.


Okay here's the bonus round . .

There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating
the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to
the shopkeeper and the purchase is made.

Now if there is a blind person who wishes to buy sunglasses, how should
he express himself?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*


Ans: He just has to open his mouth and ask . . so simple!!


KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE . .





Good friends are like stars...
You don't always see them, but you always know they're there.

DANG! You made me feel stupider than I already am!

(huh?)

King Arthur and the Witch

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be
put to death.

The question?....What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men
and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest
friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was
hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered ....is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a
great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on
the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had
happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the
day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments? What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.
*
*
*
Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave
Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....


Things are going to get UGLY!

After a night of partying a few guys went home with their friend to see his new apartment. When he showed them his bedroom they were all puzzled by the big gong setting next to his bed. So they asked him why gong was in his bedroom. He told them.."it's not a gong, this is a talking alarm clock." What, it looks just like a gong! So the guy picked up the mallet and struck the gong...and immediately from the next apartment they haerd a LOUD voice saying.."it's 3 o'clock in the morning you A.H.!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay got this one by email...

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the
wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got
out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.
Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him
with died at the scene.

HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN.
1. I've smoked fatter joint's than that.
2. Ahhhh, its cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can l paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. Will it squeak if l squeeze it?.
9. It's OK, we'll work around lt.
10.Can l be honest with you?.
11 How sweet you bought incense.
12.This explains your car.
13.Maybe lf we water lt, lt will grow.
14.At least this wont take long.
15.Maybe lt looks better in natural light.
16.Are you cold?
17.Does lt come with an air pump.
18.So this is why we are supposed to judge people on personality.
19.What ls that?
20. I guess this makes me the "early bird".

I have got to send these to my husband!!!
He's never heard any of them before!!!!




Weezie

Three women and three men were traveling by train to the Super Bowl.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on just one ticket?" asks one of the men.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.
They all board the train.
The three men take their seats but all three of the women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says "ticket please."
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing an the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for their return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy a ticket at all!!!
"How are you going to travel wothout a ticket?"says one perplexed man.
"Watch and learn" answers the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into a toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on it's way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
The women knocks on their door and says....
"Ticket please."

(I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women.)

I received this in an e-mail...

The Blonde & The Indian!


An attractive Blonde, Kitty Mc Neill was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and
offered her a ride to a nearby town. Kitty climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let Kitty off at the local service station,yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback!"

G-Mom

those were too funny

I don't get it...........


Cindy

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Good one, Duckie!


And, when she's mad at YOU, don't EVEN let her brush your hair!


Hmmm.....I think I'm the nut.

From an e-mail:

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a twich to your eyes. The great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not (as) scripted and (often) dull as they are now.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions:

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the apartment next door.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a real gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Campfire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head, he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.

Those were the days when TV was still FUN!

It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following:

Please join me in remembering a great icon - the veteran Pillsbury spokesman. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday from a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours. The Keebler Elves served as pall bearers. As long-time friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very ³smart² cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes

Heres one from an e-mail...

Subject: A Cat in Heaven


A cat died and went to heaven. God met her at the golden gate and said, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to heaven at the same time. God met the mice at the gates of heaven with the same offer that he made the cat.

The mice said, "Well we have had to run all of our lives, from cats, dogs and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates we would never have to run again." God answered, It is done. All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything OK? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh it is wonderful. I have never been so happy
in my life. My pillow is so fluffy and those little meals on wheels
you have been sending over are delicious."

G-Mom

Cricket,
G~mom,

From another e-mail:

Subject: Raising Boys!


a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!

b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control..


The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000
sq.ft.house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
Roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a
Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to
spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball
hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in La Mesa, CA has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

I know for a fact this is true!
I encouraged my two little brothers (ages 5 and 8)to try it when I was 12...off the roof of the lower level of our house.

And I was the one who got in trouble!

Cindy

I might add that...

Play Doh and Ceiling Fans DO NOT go together! Play Doh sticks to the walls when applied with the force of a Ceiling Fan on HIGH!

Crayons will also pass through the digestive system of a child.

G-Mom

My favorites when I was a kid were pennies and marbles. The pennies were pretty easy, they slid right down. But, the marbles kind of hurt my throat. Got one stuck in my throat once and had to eat half a peanut butter sandwich to get it down!

Ahhh...those were the days!

Cindy

And beans WILL sprout ...even in your nose! (ask my sister)