A Gardeners Forum Forums Members History Forum Life 2005 MORE JOKES

Subject: Remember to wear clean underwear!!!


Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people staring at the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although he was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, needed three stitches in his forehead.

Southernosity

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissy fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near"and "a right far piece."

They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll."

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And there's the ole time favorite of "goin' back home to see mommernem" for some "down home cookin".

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.

Ain't it the TRUTH

G-Mom

Being a middle aged (if I live to be 104) Southern woman I can relate to both of these stories. Last year I had a doctors appointment because I was having heart palpations. I didn't think I would have to take off ALL my clothes. I wore a purple, flowered bra and bright blue panties. Didn't match at all. When I had to get undressed and stand up while the doctor opened the back of my gown, all I could think about was my underwear. I knew he was thinking I must be color blind. I started to say "these are my school colors and we're having a big game tonight" but I thought he would think I was a "fun" girl for sure. I don't remember a thing he told me. When I was telling this at work a lady I work with said that one time she was rear ended by a truck. The EMT's put her on a back board to take her to the ER. She said as soon as she got there she started explaining about her hot pink, velvet underwear set. She had just had a baby, was working full time, and hadn't done her washing. That was all that was in the drawer that day. A present her husband, of course, had bought her.

Those of us with a southern accent forget we have one. This past spring one of my co-workers, born, raised and still living in the same southern town went to Las Vegas with one of our interpreters who is from Mexico City. When they got to Las Vegas my southern friend asked someone "Where can we get a taxi?" The person asked her several times to please repeat herself. Finally he said lady I can't understand you. Our Mexican friend with a thick Spanish accent asked the same question. The man said "Oh" and showed them where to go.

Thanks for posting that story, Geegee! I needed a tonight!

Or, as in my case, NO underwear!

Cindy

You TOO?!

ooops...Bill, I thought you were asleep!

ROFL

I LOVED the mechanic one!!!!(missed it the first time )

G-Mom

I LOVED the mechanic one too, ROFLMAO

and the southern ones were good too. I spell it y'all though, always have and always will I guess.

I get teasted all the time about my southern accent, mine is not as bad as my sister's she really has that southern drawl

Here's a cute one I got in email today
[img]http://images.snapfish.com/342697%3B523232%7Ffp63%3Dot%3E2329%3D728%3D53%3C%3DXROQDF%3E23236%3C3679464ot1lsi[/img]

G-Mom

TOP TWELVE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS MADE BY PETS

12. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
11. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
10. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
9. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
8. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
7. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
6. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush me.
5. Always scoot before licking.
4. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
3. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.
2. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

G-Mom

another one from email:

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - -
HUSBAND: "crap."

To go along with Gardenmom's dog resolutions:
Dog pet Peeves About Humans...

1. Blaming your farts on me ... not funny

2. Yelling at me for barking ... I'M A STINKIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!

3. How you naicely belive that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your tooth brush smells a lttle like cat butt.)

4. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is it anyway?

5. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it.

6. Yelling at me for rubbing my butt on yor carpet. Whyd you buy carpet?

7. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your gusets. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshaking thing yet ... idiot.

8. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look we both know your just jealous.

9. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Dumbass.

10. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew up your [BLEEP] when your not home.

11. When you pick up the poop piles out of the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

12. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting supprised when I freak out every time we go back.

13. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You
fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

14. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?

Oklahorsenut- TOO FUNNY!
Now that is a dog with an attitude! (Hmmmmmm... actually, sounds like Cindy's dog. Cindy- did you write this?)

G-Mom

Okay, this is SUPER-funny, but I can't post it here 'cause it would get me poofed for sure, because language, language, language! But click this link to my imagestation, and you'll see a really funny e-mail I received.
(Don't worry-- it's not graphic or anything, but it does contain many of Bill's no-no words. If you are offended by these, you probably should not read it.)

http://www.imagestation.com/album/pictures.html?id=2133481934&idx=1

Merry Christmas, Geegee!

Thanks for posting that link...ROFL!

If you have time (no hurry though) would you please PM me the story...I have several friends that would ROFL too!

Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS: Ah, my son,
I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first
got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your
Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room,
where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload,
we discovered that neither one of us had used
a firewall, and since it was too late to
hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:

You've Got Male!

Thought this was kinda cute????
Weezie

Good one, Weezie!

And more from the mouth of babes (from a forwarded email):

The Umbrella Chord

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birthing story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, and pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in
my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts swaying and going,
'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, saying....'Oh, oh, oh!'"

Now the kid is doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning. My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man." "They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case
he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"

This kid has her legs spread and her little hands are mimicking water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom's play center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there for kids to use before it's time to come out."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

A Few things it took me 50 years to learn.....

Never, under any circumstances,take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"

Never lick a steak knife.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

You should NEVER say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economical status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention, it never fails)

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's reseach. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Forwarded from an email
(it was accompanied by really cute graphics that I can't figure out how to post )

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I’ve learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the a$$ are permanent.

Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows,maybe something good will happen. If not...tough!