A Gardeners Forum Forums Members History Forum Life 2004 JOKES............

Couple of laughs!

Senior Moments?


Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a
restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."


When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big [BLEEP] he always was."


An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her
butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."


A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"




When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"


My personal favorite....could this be us?


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10.
oh hell, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen . . . . . I think.

Thank you Weezie, you made my day!

Great Weezie
love a good laugh, it's what keeps us old codgers going

The last one is me, to a "T"
I can imagine myself doing that!!

And this one lady sends them back and forth me,
and I print them up for my mom to take to "Meals~on~Wheels" when she's delivering,
and hangs them on the boards down there,
she says everyone's just a hootin' and a hollerin' as the seniors and volunteers come in to eat!!

I'm getting alot of jokes now on the ole 'puter,
cause I am more house bound with this retched cold~damp~drizzle we have here.
I'll add some more as they come in......
But, anyone feel free to add any (keep 'em clean)
if you find anymore!!!

Weezie

Those were hilarious!

My elderly neighbor was here while I was reading it and she copied down the Senility Prayer. She simply LOVED it!

G-Mom

(I was gonna post a joke here but I can't remember it now.)


Cindy

I get that all the time...

There's one joke about I was going to go to the mail box and get the mail, but on the way there, I saw the plants needed water, so I stopped, got the watering can, but saw that the cat food bowl was empty *the cat was looking sooooooooo hungry* so I stopped to go get the food for the cat, but I found something I'd lost, and thought, I'd better put that away before I loose it again, and so on and so and so, and the hole day, nothing got done and when I was climbing into bed, I realized I didn't get out to get the mail either, and I hope I remember it in the morning, and I had
emailed that one out to my friends and relatives on my email address book, and I had several people write back with a few quips, about there's medicine out there for you Weezie to help you with days like that, and you need to manage your day a bit better and one called and asked if I wanted them to come over and help me!!!
I was like, awwwwwww come on, it was an email joke you guys, even though it's exactly my life day in and day out!!! OHBOY!!!

Weezie

Sometimes I have to "up my dose"!

I remember the joke now.
It was a "blonde" joke, but I don't want to offend any blondes with it! People send me blonde jokes all the time, especially people who have never seen me before.
For some strange reason they ASSUME that I am blonde!

Cindy

Oh go ahead with the blonde joke, if we can laugh at old ladies we can laugh at blondes.

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are
you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out," he says. She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

There's this blonde out for a walk.
She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down
the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

LOL
Good ones!

A blonde is driving along a rural road, when she spots another blonde sitting in a rowboat in the middle of a field, rowing away.

She pulls over, gets out of her car, walks to the edge of the field, and yells, "HEY! What are you doing?"

The other blonde yells back, "I'm rowing my boat through a sea of grain!"

The first blonde can't believe she heard right.
"You're doing WHAT?" she hollers.

The second blonde yells back, "I'm rowing my BOAT through the SEA of grain!!"

The first blonde says, "That it so stupid! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! I'd come out there and kick you a**, if I knew how to swim!!"

Ummm... This one is kind of dirty. Don't know if that's allowed, so maybe Weezie you could pull it off if it's objectionable?

A blonde and a brunette are in an elevator when a guy with really bad dandruff gets on in front of them. They both stare at the back of his head in silence till he gets off, and when the elevator door closes, the brunette says, "Boy, somebody needs to give that guy some Head and Shoulders!"

"Yeah!" says the blonde. "But how do you give somebody shoulders?"

Well, if they take it off, at least I got to see it first!

Cindy

LOL
I guess it pays to wake up so early! I didn't miss it.

I saw it too!

from a forward e-mail.

Be nice to Nurses

When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."

ROFLMAO! ! !

That's TOO good!

O.K......since we're on nurse and thermometer jokes!

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then, realizing her mistake, she says, "Well, that's great...... just great.....Some a$$hole's got my pen."

(Can I say that on here? )

DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE NURSES!!! :p

Except, I really like the one's here.!!
*Did I say that right Karen???? *

Weezie

ROFL

OMG...those were too good!!!!

G-Mom

from a forward e-mail.

Subject: How about a drink?

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.


Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the [BLEEP].
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.


Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.


Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings
with friends.


Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.


Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!


Drink: Tequila
No explanations required -- everyone just KNOWS what happens there.




THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:


Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.


Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.


Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.


Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.


Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.


White Zinfandel: He's gay

Anyone want a shot???? LOL

Huh????

G-Mom

Well Damn, what's it say about me when I like to drink Blender Drinks, Mixed Drinks, Wine, Zinfansomething, Wine Coolers, & Shots (NO TEKILLYA!) ??
Meg

I'd say it means...You're unpredictable but well rounded!

G-Mom

Hey Bill, want a shot of Hornitos??
We're doin' shots!!!

OLDER???

Guess that would be ME!

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the removalists come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music,
and feasted on a kilo of prawns, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten prawn shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the
curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rats, and carpets were steam-cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit...Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Agents refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and she would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But
only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they
watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...
....including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????

I did something worse than that once!

You know that REAL itchy insulation you put in the walls?

Rubbed it on the inside of someone's UNDERWEAR (every pair) before I left!



Cindy

Shame on you Cindy I bet it worked better than itching powder!

G-Mom

Heeheeheehee !

G-Mom

Um, Cindy, not that you need any encouragement but I just sent you an e-mail titled "Bad breakups" and they are pretty bad!!!!

ROFLMAO!
Those are good! I like the one with the boat! (Been there, done that!)

I gotta send those to loz and G-Mom!

Cindy

jogger...check your email!
You got it, too!

hehehehe

Sorry...another blonde joke.
They keep sendin' 'em to me...
...even gone so far as to accuse me of being a natural blonde, but dyed my hair brown just to LOOK smart!

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray...."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins. She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself.... "Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket.


Cindy

ROFL! Oh my, that's good.

Having reached the age of 65, I went to apply for Social Security last week. After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter. The woman there asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom. I told the lady that I was very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I'll have to go get it and come back later," I said. At that point, she said to me, "Unbutton your shirt." I was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and, with that, she promptly processed my application.
When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience at the
Social Security Office. She listened to the whole story and then said, "You should have dropped your pants ... you might have gotten disability, too.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful -- you guessed it -- blonde.
The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

from a forward e-mail.

Blonde House Painter


This blonde decides one day that she is
sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are
perceived as stupid, so she decides
to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work,
she decides that she is going to paint
a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves
for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells
the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into
the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket
and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over
and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He
asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted
to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the
house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading
the directions on the paint can and they said....

(Scroll down)... I love this one ...


FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS .

G-Mom

I always put on 2 coats when I paint.....

Thats a cute one,
heres one i really liked, though i don't think i can give the telling of it justice

A guy brings his puppy into the vets one day sayin that there must be something wrong with the puppy. After a quick examination the vet says that the pup is in perfect health,
The guy disagrees and says he wants a second opinion so the vet calls to the assistant and another dog is brought in, the two dogs look at each other and sniff around, the older dog is taken away and again the vet says there is nothing wrong with the pup.
The guy still won't take this answer and says he wants a third opinion, so the vet calls to the assistant who then brings in a cat. The cat being well tempered checks out this new puppy and then is taken away. The vet reiterates for the third time that the puppy is fine.
The guy finally accepts it and heads out the reception to get the bill, when there he is given an astronomical bill and demands to know why it cost so much to be told that the puppy is fine.

The recptionist tells him that if he'd listen the first time the cost would be much less and that Lab tests and Cat scans are expensive

That's so cute!

***(this is a tiny bit racey, sorta,
proceed at your own caution)****

Did You Know...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.


(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.


(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.


(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.


(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)


(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.


(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate
while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates s#x by ripping the male's head off.


("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.


(30 minutes... lucky pig. Can you imagine??)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.


(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even
a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone.

I just e-mailed it to my daughter at work

OINK

G-Mom

What's that word mean???


Cindy

This joke is called "Brain Surgery".

One day a saddened family was gathered in the waiting room of an OR. The surgeon came in, a concerned expression on his face. The family rushed to meet him as he said

"Your loved one will be fine, but we need to do a brain transplant right away!"

Sighing in relief someone asked "How much does that cost, Doctor?"

The doctor replied "An adult male specimen brain costs $5,000. An adult female specimen brain costs $200."

Tears running down their faces, the family wanted to know "Why the difference in price?"

Sheepishly, the doctor replied "Well, research has shown that the adult female brain has actually been used!"


Merme

Mine must be worth a small fortune then!

47 years old...like new condition!

NEVER been used!
(not that I know of!)


Cindy

AHA! Well, if we're on MAN jokes now, I got one:

Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell that, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away: "Hello, we're down here..."

G-Mom

ROFLMAO! ! !

From a fwd e-mail.

Hey guys, try this one, it'll surprise you.....

O.K. All you brilliant people, let me know how this one is done.
You'll be surprised by the answer. So make sure you do this.
Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you. Personally,
I would like to know who came up with this and why that person is not
running the country....


1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer?

Thats a really fun equation, I ran my number through and then a few other people through before breaking it down.

as for hows its done thats easy, it can be simplified down to the frist three didget x 10000 + the last four didgets, but its more fun and mysterious to add more steps,

to simplifiy the equation work back wards if you get ride of the divide by 2 the equation is then 40 x 250 (= 10000) and you only have to add the last four didgets once.

the plus one step is there only so you can subtract the 250 later, it has no other effect on the equation.

Hmm I know this makes sense in my head, but I've never been very good at explaining, once this is written out into an equation it makes much more sense to break it down then it does in the step by step format

little risque.
Man visits doctors, "l cannot keep an erection"
Doctor replies "sorry you have been here so many times about this problem, there is nothing else we can recommend you, try a witchdoctor"
the man duly goes to a witchdocter, who say's "no problem, l have some magic powder to cure your trouble, just sprinkle it on when you are ready and count to 3. lt will stay up, when you want it to go down count to 4"
That night the man goes to bed sprinkles the powder on and count's 1.2.3. his wife turns over and say's "what have you counted 1.2.3. for".

Doreen

Men Are Like....

Lava Lamps....Fun to look at, but not too bright!

Laxatives....Can Irritate the Sh** Out of You!

Blenders...You need one, but are not quite sure why!"

Government Bonds....They take SO-o-o-o-o long to mature!"

And finally:
Why do men get smarter during sex?

They are plugged into a genius!

Papito!

:p

By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"



And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -and she will do everything with only two hands."



The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."



But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."



The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord."



"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."



"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.



The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."



The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."



"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!"



"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.



The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."



The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing."



And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry.They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice.They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies.They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.



Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love.They have

compassion and ideals.They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Best Singles Ad Ever Written
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever
printed. It is reported to have been listed in
The Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship,
ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking
girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the
woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting,
camping and fishing trips,cozy winter nights
lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for
Daisy, I'll be waiting...
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the
Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black
Labrador retriever. (Men are so easy).

Weezie...
Reckon that would work in reverse?
Like, I put an ad in the paper making it look like I have a DOG that needs a home, but when they call they find out it's really ME!?

Let's see...
"Small, mix-breed (Indian and Irish!), house-broken, well-behaved, doesn't bite, looking for good home."

?????

Hhmmmmm...I just got through reading a Wal-Mart/bra story..........

Ooooops!

Well, acts up once in a while,
but learns from lessons!!!

O.K., so delete the "well-behaved"
and add "easy to train"!

*L* okay just read these from start to finish

and I just couldn't get pass this one,

my sister, who by the way is a blonde, came over one day mad. I ask why she tells me her hubby won't like her choke him with a neck tie while having s#x. And she was serious.

okay, here's the one I got in my email:
How To Impress A Woman
* Wine her,
* Dine her,
* Call her,
* Hug her,
* Support her,
* Hold her,
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,
* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her,
* Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewelry,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Write love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

How to impress a man:
* Show up naked
* Bring chicken wings
* Don't block the TV

How true!
And they won't let you block the T.V. even if you are naked!

or the computer if that's what they are on.

here's another from email
LIFE IN THE 1500'S

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s: These are interesting...

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June(Hence the "June Bride"). However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children and Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence "Don't let the bed bugs bite" A bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold." (Getting quite an education, aren 't you?)


In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine day s old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."


England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer." And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring

whoa Belinda,that is really interesting history.

I wish my son wouldn't have told me about "Ring Around the Rosie"

Wow, that's fascinating!! <img border="0" alt="[clappy]" title="" src="graemlins/clappy.gif" />

I think about that stuff alot, and often saying to myself, I wouldn't have survived, I wouldnt' have survived...
I would have been good at the gardening thing, and saving or over wintering food, but the laundry and having to trudge back with two pails of water hanging over my neck I would have been done, I like to turn on the faucet and have running water..
And I KNOW HOW VALUABLE WATER IS, I come from living with spring water, and if it didn't rain, you didn't do much with the water and didn't waste it...
I still carry that feeling down here in town and can't get it out of my brain..
But I think of all the stuff the ladies had to do back then, natural childbirth at home!!! OH Good golly miss molly, I like the safety of hospitols, and having just to make breakfast, making sure the cow was taken care of first... because if the cow got sick, you had no milk and no butter to churn...and you had to grow the wheat or what ever to produce the flour to even cook pancakes or water ever... and you had to have food for chickens to make eggs, and you had to have the barn first for the animals *or they lived in there with you* the animals came first or you didn't have food...UGH, I'm tired just thinking of all that, and we complain about the hard work we do now adays...
I would love to see more "Reality Shows" of something along this line..

Weezie

you know I have found some really weird stuff while doing family tree research, like it was against the law in Ohio back in 1800's to take a bath more than once a week.

we have sure come along way since then. Must have been some smelly groups on those wagons that crossed country.

Okay, it's time for Christmas jokes!

Three men passed away and were standing at the pearly gates. St. Peter opened the gates and told them because it was the holiday season they would have to show some "proof" of their Christmas spirit to be able to enter.
The first man reached into his pocket and all he had was a lighter. He lit it and told St. Peter that it represented a Christmas candle. St. Peter let him in.
The second man reached into his pocket and all he had was a set of keys...he held them up and jingled them and told St.Peter they represented bells. St. Peter let him in.
The third man reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of red ladies panties. St. Peter was shocked and told him he could not enter because there was no way those panties represented Christmas...the man just looked at him and said.."uh huh they are Carols!" :rolleyes:

okay here's one

How to get rid of housework for ever

first create a folder on your computer and lable it house work

then hit the delete button, the computer will ask, do you wish to delete house work forever, say YES!!

not really a joke, but I liked this one


A teacher standing in front of his philosophy class, without saying a word, took a large and empty jar and filled it up with golf balls.

Then, he asked his students if the jar was full. All the students agreed that it was.

So, the teacher took a box full of marbles and emptied it in the jar. The marbles filled all the spaces between the golf balls. The teacher, once again, asked his students if the jar was full, and they again answered “yes”.

Following, the teacher took a box with sand and emptied it inside the jar. Of course, the sand filled all the empty spaces and he once again asked his class if the jar was full. This time the students replied with a unanimous “yes”.

Lastly, the teacher added two cups of coffee to the jar and effectively filled all the empty spaces between the sand.

The students were laughing this time.

When the laughter receded, the teacher said: “I want you to know that this jar represents life. The golf balls are the important things such as god, our family, our children, our health, our friends, things we are passionate about. They are things that, even if we lost everything else our life would still be full. The marbles are the other things that matter such as work, the house, the car, etc. The sand is everything else, the small things.”

“If we put the sand into the jar first, there will be no space left for the marbles or the golf balls. The same thing occurs with life. If we spend all our time and energy in small things, we will never have room for those that are really important. Pay attention to the things that are crucial to your happiness. Play with your kids, take the time to go to the doctor, take your spouse out for dinner, play a sport or take on your favorite hobby. There will always be time to clean the house and repair the faucet. Take care of the golf balls first, of the things that really matter. Establish your priorities, the rest is only sand.”

One of the students raised his hand and asked what the coffee was.

The teacher smiled and said: “I am glad you ask. The coffee was added only to demonstrate to you that it does not matter how busy your life may seem, there is always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”

A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. in a very deep, husky voice, the woman
next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah...not if I'm
gonna have to explain it five times."

Also from an e-mail. Funny AND scary!:

And They Run Our Country?!?

I have been a Travel Agent for thirty Years. This is why we're in trouble!

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that
her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
~~~~
I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I
started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information,
then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Capetown is in Massachusetts."

Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained,
"Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." .....Her
response
.(click).
~~~~
A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we
did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was
expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible,
since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very
thin state."
~~~~
I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see
England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so
close on the map."
~~~~
An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent
a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a
1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he
said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive
between the gates to save time."
~~~~
An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how
it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m and got into
Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of
Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
~~~~
A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?"
I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on
my luggage that said 'FAT' and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude."

After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' (I was
actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA
is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her
luggage.
~~~~
A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After
going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
~~~~
I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who
asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what
exactly he meant, to which he
replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn
planes have numbers on them."
~~~~
A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL.
Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?"

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

She said, "Yeah, whatever!"
~~~~
A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed
in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him that he needed a visa.

"Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to
have one of those."

I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told
him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they
have accepted my American Express."

~~~~
A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go
from Chicago to Rhino, New York."

The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure
that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.

After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've
looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino
anywhere."

The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is.
Check your map."

The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally
offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

"That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she said.

Those are GREAT!

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer, eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

G-Mom

WHY MEN SHOULDN'T BABYSIT (from an e-mail)











I hope this is okay, Bill. I tried to make 'em small!

The Magic Marker one rules!

That's the one that cracks me up, too, Cindy! Though the last one's pretty funny as well.

I like the magic marker one too! And the doggy door!

oh My!!! I have to go with the marker one too.

came to me by email

Bubba Claus Is Coming to Town

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan.

As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us.

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: '''These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.''

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds (or a Moon Pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear '''On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen...'' when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, '''On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin, and Labonte, on Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott, and Petty.''

5. '''Ho, ho, ho!'' has been replaced by ''Yee Haw!'' And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, ''I her'd dat!''

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus's sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words ''Back Off!'' The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) throwing snowballs at the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as ''Miracle on 34th Street'' and ''It's a Wonderful Life'' will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see ''Boss Hogg Saves Christmas'' and ''Smokey and the Bandit IV'' featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like ''Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer'' and Bing Crosby's ''Santa Claus is Coming to Town.'' This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark Chesnutt's ''Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd's ''All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s ''If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It.''

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209

ROFLMAO

Kinda makes me proud to be a Redneck!

G-Mom

Here's one I received this a.m.

Formula for inner peace...Please read completely.

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to
finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, so, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the
cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how dad-gum good I feel.

Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.

G-Mom

Would you like fries with that?

No Thanks...

That took care of the "Buzz" and the "Munchies" for the day!

G-Mom

A young woman in Manhattan was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into New York harbor. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a
handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a
fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

_________________