A Gardeners Forum Forums Members History Forum Life 2004 JOKES............

Thats a cute one,
heres one i really liked, though i don't think i can give the telling of it justice

A guy brings his puppy into the vets one day sayin that there must be something wrong with the puppy. After a quick examination the vet says that the pup is in perfect health,
The guy disagrees and says he wants a second opinion so the vet calls to the assistant and another dog is brought in, the two dogs look at each other and sniff around, the older dog is taken away and again the vet says there is nothing wrong with the pup.
The guy still won't take this answer and says he wants a third opinion, so the vet calls to the assistant who then brings in a cat. The cat being well tempered checks out this new puppy and then is taken away. The vet reiterates for the third time that the puppy is fine.
The guy finally accepts it and heads out the reception to get the bill, when there he is given an astronomical bill and demands to know why it cost so much to be told that the puppy is fine.

The recptionist tells him that if he'd listen the first time the cost would be much less and that Lab tests and Cat scans are expensive

That's so cute!

***(this is a tiny bit racey, sorta,
proceed at your own caution)****

Did You Know...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.


(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.


(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.


(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.


(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)


(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.


(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate
while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates s#x by ripping the male's head off.


("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.


(30 minutes... lucky pig. Can you imagine??)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.


(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even
a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone.

I just e-mailed it to my daughter at work

OINK

G-Mom

What's that word mean???


Cindy

This joke is called "Brain Surgery".

One day a saddened family was gathered in the waiting room of an OR. The surgeon came in, a concerned expression on his face. The family rushed to meet him as he said

"Your loved one will be fine, but we need to do a brain transplant right away!"

Sighing in relief someone asked "How much does that cost, Doctor?"

The doctor replied "An adult male specimen brain costs $5,000. An adult female specimen brain costs $200."

Tears running down their faces, the family wanted to know "Why the difference in price?"

Sheepishly, the doctor replied "Well, research has shown that the adult female brain has actually been used!"


Merme

Mine must be worth a small fortune then!

47 years old...like new condition!

NEVER been used!
(not that I know of!)


Cindy

AHA! Well, if we're on MAN jokes now, I got one:

Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell that, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away: "Hello, we're down here..."

G-Mom

ROFLMAO! ! !

From a fwd e-mail.

Hey guys, try this one, it'll surprise you.....

O.K. All you brilliant people, let me know how this one is done.
You'll be surprised by the answer. So make sure you do this.
Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you. Personally,
I would like to know who came up with this and why that person is not
running the country....


1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer?

Thats a really fun equation, I ran my number through and then a few other people through before breaking it down.

as for hows its done thats easy, it can be simplified down to the frist three didget x 10000 + the last four didgets, but its more fun and mysterious to add more steps,

to simplifiy the equation work back wards if you get ride of the divide by 2 the equation is then 40 x 250 (= 10000) and you only have to add the last four didgets once.

the plus one step is there only so you can subtract the 250 later, it has no other effect on the equation.

Hmm I know this makes sense in my head, but I've never been very good at explaining, once this is written out into an equation it makes much more sense to break it down then it does in the step by step format

little risque.
Man visits doctors, "l cannot keep an erection"
Doctor replies "sorry you have been here so many times about this problem, there is nothing else we can recommend you, try a witchdoctor"
the man duly goes to a witchdocter, who say's "no problem, l have some magic powder to cure your trouble, just sprinkle it on when you are ready and count to 3. lt will stay up, when you want it to go down count to 4"
That night the man goes to bed sprinkles the powder on and count's 1.2.3. his wife turns over and say's "what have you counted 1.2.3. for".

Doreen

Men Are Like....

Lava Lamps....Fun to look at, but not too bright!

Laxatives....Can Irritate the Sh** Out of You!

Blenders...You need one, but are not quite sure why!"

Government Bonds....They take SO-o-o-o-o long to mature!"

And finally:
Why do men get smarter during sex?

They are plugged into a genius!

Papito!

:p

By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"



And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -and she will do everything with only two hands."



The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."



But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."



The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord."



"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."



"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.



The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."



The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."



"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!"



"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.



The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."



The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing."



And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry.They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice.They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies.They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.



Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love.They have

compassion and ideals.They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Best Singles Ad Ever Written
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever
printed. It is reported to have been listed in
The Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship,
ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking
girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the
woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting,
camping and fishing trips,cozy winter nights
lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for
Daisy, I'll be waiting...
*
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*
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Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the
Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black
Labrador retriever. (Men are so easy).

Weezie...
Reckon that would work in reverse?
Like, I put an ad in the paper making it look like I have a DOG that needs a home, but when they call they find out it's really ME!?

Let's see...
"Small, mix-breed (Indian and Irish!), house-broken, well-behaved, doesn't bite, looking for good home."

?????

Hhmmmmm...I just got through reading a Wal-Mart/bra story..........

Ooooops!

Well, acts up once in a while,
but learns from lessons!!!

O.K., so delete the "well-behaved"
and add "easy to train"!

*L* okay just read these from start to finish

and I just couldn't get pass this one,

my sister, who by the way is a blonde, came over one day mad. I ask why she tells me her hubby won't like her choke him with a neck tie while having s#x. And she was serious.

okay, here's the one I got in my email:
How To Impress A Woman
* Wine her,
* Dine her,
* Call her,
* Hug her,
* Support her,
* Hold her,
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,
* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her,
* Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewelry,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Write love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

How to impress a man:
* Show up naked
* Bring chicken wings
* Don't block the TV

How true!
And they won't let you block the T.V. even if you are naked!