A Gardeners Forum Forums Members History Forum Life 2004 JOKES............

Couple of laughs!

Senior Moments?


Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a
restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."


When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big [BLEEP] he always was."


An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her
butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."


A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"




When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"


My personal favorite....could this be us?


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10.
oh hell, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen . . . . . I think.

Thank you Weezie, you made my day!

Great Weezie
love a good laugh, it's what keeps us old codgers going

The last one is me, to a "T"
I can imagine myself doing that!!

And this one lady sends them back and forth me,
and I print them up for my mom to take to "Meals~on~Wheels" when she's delivering,
and hangs them on the boards down there,
she says everyone's just a hootin' and a hollerin' as the seniors and volunteers come in to eat!!

I'm getting alot of jokes now on the ole 'puter,
cause I am more house bound with this retched cold~damp~drizzle we have here.
I'll add some more as they come in......
But, anyone feel free to add any (keep 'em clean)
if you find anymore!!!

Weezie

Those were hilarious!

My elderly neighbor was here while I was reading it and she copied down the Senility Prayer. She simply LOVED it!

G-Mom

(I was gonna post a joke here but I can't remember it now.)


Cindy

I get that all the time...

There's one joke about I was going to go to the mail box and get the mail, but on the way there, I saw the plants needed water, so I stopped, got the watering can, but saw that the cat food bowl was empty *the cat was looking sooooooooo hungry* so I stopped to go get the food for the cat, but I found something I'd lost, and thought, I'd better put that away before I loose it again, and so on and so and so, and the hole day, nothing got done and when I was climbing into bed, I realized I didn't get out to get the mail either, and I hope I remember it in the morning, and I had
emailed that one out to my friends and relatives on my email address book, and I had several people write back with a few quips, about there's medicine out there for you Weezie to help you with days like that, and you need to manage your day a bit better and one called and asked if I wanted them to come over and help me!!!
I was like, awwwwwww come on, it was an email joke you guys, even though it's exactly my life day in and day out!!! OHBOY!!!

Weezie

Sometimes I have to "up my dose"!

I remember the joke now.
It was a "blonde" joke, but I don't want to offend any blondes with it! People send me blonde jokes all the time, especially people who have never seen me before.
For some strange reason they ASSUME that I am blonde!

Cindy

Oh go ahead with the blonde joke, if we can laugh at old ladies we can laugh at blondes.

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are
you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out," he says. She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

There's this blonde out for a walk.
She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down
the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

LOL
Good ones!

A blonde is driving along a rural road, when she spots another blonde sitting in a rowboat in the middle of a field, rowing away.

She pulls over, gets out of her car, walks to the edge of the field, and yells, "HEY! What are you doing?"

The other blonde yells back, "I'm rowing my boat through a sea of grain!"

The first blonde can't believe she heard right.
"You're doing WHAT?" she hollers.

The second blonde yells back, "I'm rowing my BOAT through the SEA of grain!!"

The first blonde says, "That it so stupid! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! I'd come out there and kick you a**, if I knew how to swim!!"

Ummm... This one is kind of dirty. Don't know if that's allowed, so maybe Weezie you could pull it off if it's objectionable?

A blonde and a brunette are in an elevator when a guy with really bad dandruff gets on in front of them. They both stare at the back of his head in silence till he gets off, and when the elevator door closes, the brunette says, "Boy, somebody needs to give that guy some Head and Shoulders!"

"Yeah!" says the blonde. "But how do you give somebody shoulders?"

Well, if they take it off, at least I got to see it first!

Cindy

LOL
I guess it pays to wake up so early! I didn't miss it.

I saw it too!

from a forward e-mail.

Be nice to Nurses

When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."

ROFLMAO! ! !

That's TOO good!

O.K......since we're on nurse and thermometer jokes!

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then, realizing her mistake, she says, "Well, that's great...... just great.....Some a$$hole's got my pen."

(Can I say that on here? )

DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE NURSES!!! :p

Except, I really like the one's here.!!
*Did I say that right Karen???? *

Weezie

ROFL

OMG...those were too good!!!!

G-Mom

from a forward e-mail.

Subject: How about a drink?

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.


Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the [BLEEP].
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.


Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.


Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings
with friends.


Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.


Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!


Drink: Tequila
No explanations required -- everyone just KNOWS what happens there.




THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:


Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.


Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.


Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.


Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.


Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.


White Zinfandel: He's gay