A Gardeners Forum Forums General Discussion The Banter Hall The Critter Corner Memo to Pets and Humans

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height. Dear
> Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
> your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a
> paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
> becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
> slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
> racetrack Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
> because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything
> bigger than a king sized bed.. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will
> continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually
> curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to
> each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
> sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
> maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is
> not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
> manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to
> turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I
> must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom
> for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required. The
> proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot
> stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the
> following message on our front door: To All Non-Pet Owners Who
> Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets: 1. They live here. You
> don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
> furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'niture.) 3. I like my pets a
> lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me,
> he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and
> doesn't speak clearly
> Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
> 1. Eat less 2. Don't ask for money all the time 3. Are
> easier to train 4. Normally come when called 5. Never ask
> to drive the car 6.Don't hang out with drug-using friends
> 7. Don't smoke or drink 8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
> 9. Don't want to wear your clothes . 10. Don't need a 'gazillion'
> dollars for college. And finally, 11. If they get pregnant,
> you can sell their children.
>

On #6 my cats used to bring home their friends for, "Catnip".